Ways to Stay Stressed
- Monday, August 04, 2003
Never Exercise - Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.
Eat Anything You Want - Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to.
Gain Weight - Work hard at staying at least 25% over your recommended weight.
Take Plenty of Stimulants - The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
Avoid Relaxation Practices - Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. The 'perpetual work' ethic is good for staying stressed.
Get Rid of Your Social Support System - Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that you concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.
Personalize All Criticism - Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!
Males and Females Alike - Be Macho. Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!
Become a Workaholic - Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.
Discard Good Time Management Skills - Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.
Procrastinate - Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.
Worry about Things You Can't Control - Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.
Become Not Only a Perfectionist But Set Impossibly High Standards - and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don't meet them.
Throw Out Your Sense of Humor - Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.
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