Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning  to others. 

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late!

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.