You need a new car when .  .  .

You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.

You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.

You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.

The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."

The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88" sticker.

You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.

Evel Kenievel refuses a free lift.

The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.