I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

If you love someone, fight fair.

Never turn down the conversation of a child.

A massage can change your whole world view.

I have a bi-color lawn: brown grass and green weeds.

Happiness is working in your own area code.

Do not share things that are dear to you with people who are not.

Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?

The thesaurus is where we find big words for the ones people actually understand.

Time flies whether or not you're having fun.

Plastic surgery: the work-out routine for the rich.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

I've learned more from silence than from any other teacher.

If I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

For that matter, how come wrong numbers are never busy?

Skydivers are good to the last drop.

We can learn a lot from people who keep their mouth shut.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.

If it's the thought that counts, think money.

Being an atheist isn't too bad until someone dies.

The biggest disadvantage to being poor is that it's so expensive.

Everyone you meet is your teacher.

Many of our ambitions are nipped in the budget.

A great many people confuse their lack of planning with an emergency.

If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.

We should make tail lights different colors so that gridlock is more interesting.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

The only people truly under the weather are buried.

Need help to eat less and exercise? Put up a full length mirror in your bathroom.

He's one person who would make a perfect stranger.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Cats flattened while you watch.

Forget the whales, save the cowboy.

Eat American lamb. Ten million coyotes can't be wrong.