Blessed are the cheesemakers for they shall get their whey.

Daytime TV is incentive to get a job.

Monday's special: two Valiums with a coffee chaser.

Soccer would be more popular if the players were armed.

We cannot learn and appear perfect at the same time.

No one ever stood out for being the same.

The more you know, the less you learn.

It's always something and it's generally expensive.

Some people don't like food going to waist.

Never argue with your doctor. He has inside information.

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Half-aloof is better than none.

When it comes to telling her age, she's shy.....about ten years shy.

What if your mother really IS right..... about everything?

Up goin' this way is down comin' back.

A writer is just someone with the gall to jot it all down.

Never say something mean to your fitness trainer.

Reality is just where our worlds overlap.

Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating.

Have you ever seen a plumber bite his nails?

He who snoozes, loses...

What's the difference between a teenager and a hand grenade?

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Every life is terminal.

Death is life's greatest adventure.

Act your age -- not your shoe size.

You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

It may not be your fault, but it's your problem.

Taxes, taxes, taxes. . . I thought this was the land of the free!