- Thursday, December 16, 2004
Myth # 1: Children Want to Sit on Santa's Lap.
Truth: I took our daughter to see the president of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance --- well, Santa Claus.
Our child didn't want to sit on Santa's lap, which can only mean one thing --- we're raising her right. I don't know about you, but we teach our child never to talk to strangers, especially if they offer you a gift. But Christmas season rolls around and we're like, "Honey, go sit on that man's lap and tell him what you want for Christmas." Our four-year old looked at us like, "Are you testing me?"
Have you witnessed parents dragging their children to see Santa? They're pulling the kid by the arms while the kid is digging his heels into the ground like a cat about to be bathed. "Sit on Santa's lap." The child's screaming, "No!" "Look! It's Christmas and you are going to march right on by that elf and sit on Santa's lap." "Noooooooooo!" "Come on!"
Pulling, dragging, screaming, kicking. "Nooooooooooooooooo!"
Oh, there's a lovely picture. What a Christmas memory to cherish --- crying on Santa's lap.
Myth # 2: Christmas Season Ends on Christmas Day.
Truth: There is a holiday the day after Christmas day called "Boxing Day." After spending a week with your relatives and in-laws, how appropriately named --- because if I have to spend another hour with you people there's going to be a "Head Butt Day".
Myth # 3: It's the Thought That Counts.
Truth: When it comes to Christmas gifts they always say it's the thought that counts. Yeah, until you notice a couple of your gifts came from The 99 Cent Store. It is the thought that counts. And when they buy you something cheap, that's what they're saying --- you're not worth much.
Myth # 4: The Younger You Are the More Gifts You Should Get.
Truth: You know what I don't like about the holidays? It's this rule of Christmas: the younger you are the more gifts you get. My sister's pregnant. The fetus has more presents under the tree than I do.
The kid doesn't even have feet yet, why does he need a stocking?
I tell you what a great gift for a newborn baby is --- a spice rack.
Hey, that's what they got the baby Jesus for Christmas --- frankincense, and myrrh? Come on, that's a spice rack. They might have been three wise men, but they were bad shoppers.
Myth # 5: Christmas Can Be Cancelled.
Truth: Every year, as it approached Christmas and our childhood behavior became more obnoxious my mother, finally at the end of her rope, would scream, "That's it! I'm canceling Christmas!"
"Wow, mom, that is some power you weld. If you have the power to cancel Christmas, Ma, maybe you can do something about all those starving children you tell us about at dinnertime? Use your power for good, Mom."
Myth # 6: Santa Purchased His Sleigh from Hans Solo.
Truth: My older brother Jimmy would stand with the back door slightly cracked and yell, "There he is! It's Santa Claus. Hurry! There he is! There he is! There he is! Come on!"
I'm making a mad dash for the door.
"There he is!" There's still hope. "He's in the sky."
I'm at the door.
"Oh, you just missed him!"
Apparently, Santa bought his sleigh from Hans Solo because I always just missed Santa and his warp speed sleigh. I fell for this five times a day. My brother would spot Santa and a millisecond before I get there --- he's gone. Completely vanished.
Myth # 7: Christmas Lights Are Harmless.
Truth: Christmas lights will kill you. Every Christmas season nearly 6,000 people visit emergency rooms because of decorative falls. I risk my life every Christmas season for my wife, because she thinks "they're pretty." So, for the sake of "pretty," I put my life on the line.
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