Christmas Myths

Thor Ramsey, Host of Bananas!
Thursday, December 16, 2004

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We have one wall on the outside of the house that's like twenty-five feet to the top . . . outside . . . on a ladder. Look, I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of falling from heights. That's what I'm afraid of.

The wind is shaking the ladder. There's a string of lights around my neck, a Christmas noose. My left leg is hugging the ladder while I hold a hook in my mouth, a drill in my left hand, a section of lights in my right and all I keep thinking is, "If I fall and break my neck, I don't know if I'll be able to forgive her."

I mean, if I'm paralyzed I want it to be for something good, something like, "Yeah, I saved a child."

Not because . . . "they're pretty."

Myth # 8: Santa Makes Children Feel Loved.
Truth: I appreciated Santa as a kid. I just didn't see the need for him. My parents had a closet full of toys. Who needs Santa Claus?

Still, I'd leave out cookies and milk for Santa and my dad would forget to eat them. I'd get up the next morning and find them completely untouched. "Santa rejected me!"

Why did Santa reject me so? Did he feel threatened by all the toys in my parent's closet?

"Oh, honey, he was probably just full."

"Look, he delivers all the presents in the world in one night, are you telling me he can't eat a few cookies?"

They weren't even homemade. They were Keebler. Can't he give them to his elves or is there some sort of elf rivalry?

Myth # 9: Santa Claus is a Capitalist.
Truth: Santa Claus is a communist propaganda tool gone awry.

Hear me out. Let's examine Santa Claus. First of all, red is all he wears.

He comes into your home uninvited --- that's called invasion.

He distributes material goods evenly.

He has an entire army of red workers who labor under unknown conditions.

Whenever he's in our airspace he's undetected.

I think it all adds up --- Santa is an old school commie.

Myth # 10: Reindeer Can't Fly.
Truth: Reindeer can fly, especially if you hit 'em with a pick-up. Boom! Right over the top of your vehicle!

Of course, the last and greatest myth is that Santa Claus doesn't exit. Santa Claus does exit because the soul is immortal. St. Nicholas was thus honored because of his care for poor children. Go this Christmas season and do likewise.