A Vistor's Guide To Knoxville
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name correctly. It is NOX-VULL.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Knoxville has its own version of traffic rules...the Trans-Am with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that.
3. All directions start with "Go down to Kingston Pike"...which is the Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end.
4. Henley Street turns into Chapman Highway and may also be called Highway 441. Broadway turns into Maynardville Highway and may also be called Highway 33. Cumberland Avenue turns into Kingston Pike and may also becalled Highway 70. Magnolia Avenue turns into Asheville Highway and may also be called Highway 11E.
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6. If you stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
7. Gallaher View Road can only be correctly pronounced by a native.
8. Construction on I-40 / 75 is a permanent fixture of Knoxville life. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next days driving a bit more exciting.
9. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars, old police cars, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits and crows (feeding on any of these items).
10. Three interstate's converge to run through the Greater Knoxville area. As such we see a bounty of tractor trailer accidents and spills. Recent spills on our beloved interstate's include trailers full of Cattle, Liquor, live artillery shells, Rolling Rock bottle caps, Phosphoric Acid, Styrofoam peanuts, and the creme de la creme of spills - Corn Syrup.
11. Do not slow down on I 640 when you get close to the Western Avenue overpass. The Knoxville Police Dept. parks empty police cars strategically around town. If you are drinking a beer or eating a donut throw it at the empty police car as you pass.
12. If someone actually has their turn signal on wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."
13. Local traffic reports and Knoxville natives will often refer to the Pellissippi Parkway. You will however, find no road signs marked as such. Pellissippi Parkway is actually Interstate 140, but don't refer to it as that when talking to locals because they will have no idea what you are talking about.
14. The minimum acceptable speed on the Pellissippi Parkway is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
15. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.
16. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
17. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Dogwood Arts Festival is going on.
18. Any and all shopping should be done in West Knoxville. The Metropolitan Planning commission in conjunction with experts in urban sprawl have paved every piece of usable property between UT and the Loudon Countyline. All shopping should be done in the large homogenized, box type structures erected there.
19. Knoxville Center Mall is actually in East Knoxville. West Town Mall is just to the east of Downtown West.
20. Halls has IT. (IT apparently refers to the highest number of Baptist churches per person.)
21. No one who lives in the town of Farragut is actually from East Tennessee or even the South. Admiral Farragut was a Union Soldier. Yep, they're all Yankees.
22. It is better to stay off the roads on Saturdays in the fall, as 3 out of 4 drivers have had way too much Jack Daniel's at the ball game and the fourth driver is a cop.
23. Never, and we mean NEVER plan a wedding for a weekend when UT plays football. That is what open dates are for.
24. There is nothing up in the Sunsphere. Don't try to go up there.
25. It is a good and honorable thing to work on a mobile home sales lot.
26. Yeah the mountains are pretty, but how 'bout them Outlet Malls!
27. Don't ask anyone about Oak Ridge. Two headed deer and three eyed Carp do appear naturally in the wild.
28. Never point and laugh at anything painted Orange, no matter how bizarre or tasteless, unless you want to get your back-side kicked.
Authorship credit to: Ross
Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...
Originally published February 20, 2005.
