Hurricane New Categories
We on the East Coast have had more than our fair share of hurricanes over the last 6 weeks. Our prayers are with the people, friends and family in Florida - Editor.
Now on with the new hummor . . .
The new categories:
Category 1: "Wussy." Street signs blow over, bushes and shrubs are damaged, housecats meow slightly more loudly. Plan for these storms by duct taping your shrubs, and shaking your fist triumphantly at Mother Nature for throwing such a weak-wussy storm at you.
Category 2: "Mildly Alarming." Houses moan, some of the sicker looking trees may fall over, shingles blow off, small children complain. Planning: duct tape all the sick trees you may have on your property, as well as duct taping X-es on your windows. This lets the wind know not to blow the glass in. Purchase bottled water, before everyone else snaps it up.
Category 3: "Deeply Frightening." Houses collapse, mobile homes cease to exist in any normal functioning sense of the word, healthy trees surrender. Planning: duct tape everything on your property, including the dog. Buy plywood and nail it over the windows-- after first duct taping X-es over the glass. Purchase bottled water and bleach. This is so if it looks like you're going to die, you can add the bleach to the water and drink it.
Category 4: "Holy Cow." Buildings fall, cars fly through the air, walls bleed, large sea mammals are carried several miles inland, entire regions disappear completely. Planning: Cover your entire house with duct tape X-es to try and fool the hurricane into thinking the whole place is a gigantic window. Nail as much wood as you can find to the outside of the duct tape. Lock yourself and your family and dog in the basement with the bottled water and bleach, and maybe some canned goods, a portable generator, and a gun to ward off looters in the apocalyptic aftermath that is sure to follow.
Category 5: "The End Of The World." All trace of humanity is picked up several yards into the air and converted into bite-sized pieces, the Biblical leviathan surfaces from the depths, hell rises up and swallows mankind whole. Planning: forget the duct tape. Get into the basement and make peace with God.
Originally published September 06, 2004.
