Rules to Enter Texas
- Friday, October 28, 2005
Applies to each person as they enter Texas. Learn & remember: East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle & feed lots. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 goes east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 wheat combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept, you whiney elitest.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of Dove are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish & calf fries. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of dove season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of September.
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age. We say thank you and please. We say Ma'am. It is a sign of respect NOT age.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Malibu call that stuff you eat... It AINT REAL CHILI!! Real chili never met ground turkey!
12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
13. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
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