Temperatures
@ +70 degrees
Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
People in Ohio go swimming in the Rivers.
@ +60 degrees
North Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
People in Ohio plant gardens.
@ +50 degrees
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Ohio sunbathe.
@ +40 degrees
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Ohio drive with the windows down.
@ +32 degrees
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Erie water gets thicker.
@ +20 degrees
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats.
People in Ohio throw on a flannel shirt.
@ +15 degrees
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Ohio have the last cookout before it gets cold.
@ +10 degrees
People in Miami all die...
Buckeyes lick the flagpole.
@ -20 degrees
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Ohio get out their winter coats.
@ -40 degrees
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Ohio are selling cookies door to door.
@ -60 degrees
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Ohio Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
@ -80 degrees
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
People in Ohio rent some videos.
@ -100 degrees
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Buckeyes get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
@ -297 degrees
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Ohio complain about farmers with cold hands.
@ -460 degrees
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
People in Ohio start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
@ -500 degrees
Hell freezes over.
The Browns win the Super Bowl!
Originally published September 27, 2004.
