It’s about You

So here is the way to unlock this secret: take responsibility for the fact that if you are drawn to dysfunctional people in friendship, romance, business, or spiritual community . . . there is a reason.

It is about you, not them. Find out why you are attracted to them. Here is an example: I have a friend who is single and for a couple of years has been griping to me about the guys she dates. She whines and complains about how noncommittal they are and how they don’t follow through or take initiative in the relationship. She always feels they don’t plan or do normal responsible things required in a relationship. Finally, I was tired of the same story and her saying, “What is it with guys nowadays? There are no good ones.” So I told her what I thought.

“I think that you are getting what you are attracted to, which is little boys,” I said.

“What are you talking about?” she said.

“Just that. I think that all these guys are little boys. Everyone of them is in his late twenties or early thirties and somehow still tied in to ‘Daddy.’ One of them worked for his dad, not able to make it on his own. Another lived at home with his father. Another worked in the same company as his father, where his father got him the job; and another one had financial ties. All of them, still not on their own, and they dated like it. They just wanted someone else to please them and didn’t want to do anything that smacked of an adult relationship.”

I explained this over and over, but she would not agree. To her, it was all about there being no good ones “out there.” Then it happened.

“Oh my,” she said. “I had a moment of enlightenment.”

“What happened? One of your little boys get a job?” I asked.

“No. I had a date with what I think you would call a ‘man.’ He is a portfolio manager, put himself through law school, and takes lots of classes on leadership, personal growth, and all that stuff. It was so different,” she said.

“That’s awesome,” I said. “So, what happened?”

“I was sitting there listening to him at dinner and just finding out about his life when I found myself wanting to leave and end the date. So I tuned in to what was going on with me and realized . . . I felt about one inch tall around him. Being around a real adult, I realized, threatened me. I need to be in control, and with this guy, I felt really out of control—even though he was exactly the kind of guy I have been griping that the others were not! I am totally afraid of what I say I want. I can see what you are talking about. I choose little boys so I won’t be threatened,” she said, amazed and convicted. Caught.

At last I felt hope for her.

Play Your Own Game

I once told a woman who asked, “How do you deal with critical people?” to just be honest with them. “If you will, you will never hear from them again.” The tip is this: stop playing their game. Stop playing the game that works with their dysfunction, and you will stop attracting them. And the people who are already playing the “unhealthy” game with you will get the picture and begin to play your game—the healthy one. Honesty, responsibility, love, faithfulness, commitment. Let that be your game, and the only kind of people who will come knocking will be people of like character. The others want no part of it.

From The Secret Things of God by Dr. Henry Cloud.  © 2007.  Reprinted by permission of Howard Books, a Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Dr. Henry Cloud brings his insights as both a psychologist and a student of spiritual life to explore the eternal principles in the universe that govern our goals, desires, relationships and lives.  He has written or cowritten more than twenty books, including the million-seller Boundaries and his most recent book, Integrity:  The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality.  His books have sold over four million copies.