So you want to tie the knot—great! Before you start scanning dating profiles, make sure you’ve done the proper “housecleaning.”

It’s ironic that in our culture we prepare for everything but marriage. We go away to college and study for four years to prepare for our chosen career. A new driver in my state must have a learner’s permit for six months before obtaining a driver’s license. Stage actors rehearse for months before the opening night. First-time parents have nine months to prepare for the big debut in their own lives, often going to parenting and birthing classes well in advance. Yet somehow we expect that everything will just fall into place where love and marriage are concerned. 
 
Dr. Cara Whedbee, a psychologist I interviewed for my book Where Have All the Good Men Gone?, has counseled many single people who come to her asking “Why can’t I find a mate?” (you can reach her at www.thepointsys.com). She told me one of the biggest mistakes people make is rushing into relationships without making themselves ready, or what I like to call “housecleaning.” Even Esther, the beautiful Jewess of biblical history who won the favor of a king and became queen of Persia, had to undergo twelve months of “beauty preparations” before she was presented to King Xerxes—or, symbolically, made ready for marriage. If we as singles take seriously the idea of entering marriage someday, whether for the first time or in a remarriage, we must also take seriously the process that will make us worthy lifelong companions.
 
Never Marrieds:  Don’t Be a Jerry Maguire

When I asked Dr. Whedbee what is the most important advice she would give to singles wanting to prepare themselves for marriage, she reminded me that her answer would differ for never-married singles versus divorced singles wanting to marry again. “For someone who has never been married, you need to figure out who you are first and what you want,” she said. “You do this so that when you finally get married it’s because you’re a whole person—you’re bringing two whole people together. You have to complete yourself; you can’t be a Jerry Maguire, saying ‘You complete me.’ Know who you are. Know what you like and don’t like, what you need in a mate and what you definitely could do without. Know where you want to be in five years and how much older a potential mate you are willing to look at, because love can come from anywhere. Maybe you need to move, maybe you’ve exhausted all the possibilities in your community and are ready to move somewhere else. Mature, whole people know who they are and what their purpose is in life.”
 
This “knowing” may take time. Ask God to give you spiritual insight into the areas of your life that you’ve been blinded to up till now. Consider asking a trustworthy friend what are your best—and worst—traits. With their input, take an honest self-assessment. Are you a little too selfish? Too demanding? Do you still expect everyone to please you, or have you matured to the point where pleasing others brings you joy? “If you know who you are and the person you’re dating does not, then you’re not on the same spiritual level and they’ll know it right off the bat,” says Whedbee. “If you do know all this and are still having issues, you’re probably finding men (or women) who don’t know who they are yet.”