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He Said-She Said: Letting Go of the Parenting Dream
Cliff Young & Laura MacCorkle
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer & Senior Editor
EDITOR’S NOTE: Each He Said-She Said column features a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you’ve got a question about anything related to singleness, please CLICK HERE to submit (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: How does a single let go of the parenting dream? I am never married and have always wanted to be married. I will soon be 46, so I am letting go of the parenting dream. Those around me won't let me. Is it so wrong to say I can be happy on my own without a child or that my future husband and I (wherever he is) could be happy as just a couple? How do guys feel about this? I know biologically speaking that men have so much longer to make babies. There are no books on this or Web sites with this kind of information. I feel so lost and so alone on this.
HE SAID: The greatest human tragedy is to give up the search. Nothing is of greater importance than the life of our deep heart. To lose heart is to lose everything.
— John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire
I would venture to say most singles have the desire to be married and have a family at some point in their life. My desire started somewhere around the early days of The Brady Bunch. Although I have yet to find my own family drama/comedy, being single hasn’t deterred me from experiencing joy and finding happiness.
It sounds as if you are letting go of more than just your dream of being a parent. You have lost the joy and happiness outside of being a parent.
Is it wrong to say I can be happy on my own without a child?
YES, it is wrong to say, “I can be happy…without a child,” only for the reason you would even ask yourself that question. In case anyone hasn’t discovered the fact that things (including spouses and children) do not make a person happy, they don’t. I have neither had a spouse nor a child, but I have reason to believe that if I am unhappy without them, I would be unhappy with them (and they would not be happy with me).
If having a child made someone happy, why would we have so many children aborted, abused, and abandoned by a parent? If having a child made someone happy, why are there so many marriages (with children) ending in divorce? If having a child made someone happy, why are there so many unhappy and messed up children?
Is it wrong to say that my husband and I could be happy as just a couple?
Most Recent User Comments
TohonorGod
12/3/2008 10:34 AM
Interesting article and you are correct on keeping our eyes on God. Having been married and childless (after nine years of trying and finally getting pregnant (lost the baby in the middle of the third month), now single again I can say that yes it is sad not having a child with you but it does not stop life from going on. I help with the children in church, I am a "big brother" to some of them, babyset for friends so they can have date nights. So it is possible to still love and help with children. On the point of adopting and being foster parents, it has been my experience and many other singles that most foster agencies and adoption agencies will not allow a single to be a foster parent or to adopt (especially if you are a single male). I know when I and my ex-wife looked at adopting it would cost over $45,000 dollars and that was to adopt through the state - private agencies were more. And here I thought the selling of humans in the USA was suppose to be illegal LOL. Key -Trust God!
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mamade45
11/9/2008 9:05 PM
I just want to say that God is still a God of miracles and if he has placed in you the desire to have a child even late in life he can do it. I am living proof of that. Why do people in their 40s automatically believe it is too late to have natural children? I did not marry until age 41 and believed God for a child against all the odds and statistics (a lot of which I think is just hype to scare older women). We even waited a year before trying in order to get settled in and look for a home. It took us a year and a half of trying and one miscarriage before we finally realized our dream but the Lord heard our prayers and I gave birth to a very healthy baby boy one month after my 45th birthday. God is still the God of Abraham and Sarah so I say don't give up. I have a friend who just gave birth at age 48 (to a a healthy baby) so all things are possible.
karyn2000
11/6/2008 4:03 PM
That was well said! How encouraging to know I'm not alone out there with the way I'm feeling right now. I've given up MY dreams to follow His as well. What I've noticed in the past 6 months is my desire that I obsessed about and held tight to is now not so important! It gets easier as I look to God for my strength and daily needs. He is a wonderful Father and in my life a stand in husband. I am not catholic, but feel I am "dating" Him, by pursuing Him and talking with Him daily. What a blessing my life has become since giving over my dream. Take heart to know we are never alone...Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. John 16:32
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