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He Said-She Said: Showing Interest without Causing Lust
Cliff Young & Laura MacCorkle
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer & Senior Editor
EDITOR’S NOTE: Each He Said-She Said column features a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you’ve got a question about anything related to singleness, please CLICK HERE to submit (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: I am a middle-aged woman and a strong follower of Christ. I have had sexual addiction problems and never had a “real” date—it had always been just straight to the bed. While I know that some of my flirtatious behavior at times is totally wrong, God give us the desire to be sexual and I believe being flirtatious is okay. How does a woman let a man know that she is interested in him and not cause lust?
HE SAID: By the manner in which you phrased your question, there appears to be a number of issues you are struggling with besides not knowing how to show a man you are interested in him. Lust, ungodly relationships, flirting and sexual temptations are common battles even for those who are strong followers of Christ. These can be many of our biggest obstacles to godliness.
Paul gives us the following counsel for our relationships:
It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him (1 Thess. 4:3-6a).
In regards to having had sexual addiction problems, nearly all addictions—including those of a sexual nature—necessitate the need for professionals to guide you through. Most recovery programs set up a “step” program to follow in order to gain control over the compulsion. Many addictions are never completely defeated, but rather carefully managed throughout a lifetime.
Likewise, in order to maintain a discipline of purity in our lives, we must set up our own personal step program which includes accountability, prayer, Scripture memorization, and barriers to temptations. Our lack of restraint will not only cause emotional and spiritual harm to ourselves, but also impact those we interact with.
According to Wikipedia.org:
- Flirting is a form of human interaction between two people, expressing a romantic and/or sexual interest.
- Sex addicts repeatedly and compulsively try to connect with others through highly impersonal intimate behaviors … empty affairs. …
Flirtatious behavior, as you mention in your question, can be used in a manner that is totally wrong. Flirtation, although flattering for some, can arouse certain behavior that is contrary to how God wants us to live our lives. You have experienced the results of how it can negatively contribute to those who may not have the same values, morals, and control that you desire.
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tz3
2/6/2009 8:02 PM
There are a few books I would like to suggest reading in addition to getting professional counciling and estabilishing accountability partners and they are:
Uncommon Beauty by Cynthia Heald
This book focuses on the character qualities that not only help you be a better person over all, they are qualities a good man looks for in a woman he is considering building a future with. This is not a quick fix but more of a guide.
Boy Meet Girl by Joshua Harris
This book helps women who may not have had a Godly Christian Male influence in their lives to relax and have trust and confidence in the leadership roll a man takes in a relationship and what that looks like. For men who may not have had Godly Christian Male influence in their lives or wise council, it is a starting block of sorts chalk full of good advice and ideas.
Every Man's Battle, Every Woman's Battle and for teens
Every Young Man's Battle and Every Young Woman's Battle
help with purity, boundaries and addiction.
Uncommon Beauty by Cynthia Heald
This book focuses on the character qualities that not only help you be a better person over all, they are qualities a good man looks for in a woman he is considering building a future with. This is not a quick fix but more of a guide.
Boy Meet Girl by Joshua Harris
This book helps women who may not have had a Godly Christian Male influence in their lives to relax and have trust and confidence in the leadership roll a man takes in a relationship and what that looks like. For men who may not have had Godly Christian Male influence in their lives or wise council, it is a starting block of sorts chalk full of good advice and ideas.
Every Man's Battle, Every Woman's Battle and for teens
Every Young Man's Battle and Every Young Woman's Battle
help with purity, boundaries and addiction.
JELeigh
2/2/2009 5:58 PM
Great points in the article and the previous posting by mamade45. I do want to share something that the wife of author, Josh Harris, told him. She was referring to women and how they dress for their day, it was something to this effect, 'there is a difference in dressing attractiveLY and dressing TO attract.' Say what you want...justify what you want, but as women we know how low a shirt is or how tight jeans are and how short a skirt is. I further recommend that this woman writing in for advice, find a godly couple that is older and wiser. Read the Apostle Paul's letters to Timothy and Titus (New Testament) for the structure of older Christians teaching/helping younger ones. We are never too old for that. Ask this couple, 'how does this look?' in reference to behavior, situations and clothing. Allow them to tell you the truth. Accountablilty is priceless if you really want to change. Follow through with the counselor idea too. Change situations that you can't deal with.
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First, "nearly all addictions... necessitate the need for professionals... addictions are never completely defeated, but rather carefully managed..." I see the author chose the use and variations of "many" rather than "all" and that's good but I believe as Christians we need to understand that true freedom from addictions come only from Christ, not 12 step programs. Whom the LORD sets free, is free indeed. A program might help, but if God has set you free you are just that - not a "recovering" addict - you are SET FREE. Use that freedom wisely.
Second, "To delight in one another and to become one (sexually, and I think emotionally, too) is purposed only for marriage" Yes! I think too often people don't understand the "power" held within an emotional relationship, if they even think of it as a relationship at all.
And please remember it's not just singles who need to watch the clothing; not just your spouse sees what you wear