Now, how does your brain get programmed? I take the position that your brain is not programmed genetically. You weren’t born as a baby with all these ideas about what you want in a future mate. You learned these ideas along the way. And where did you learn them?
I think I know what it is. It’s television.
The average high school senior has listened to 12,000 hours of television, but has only been in the classroom for 8,000 hours. Those 12,000 hours of television, I’m sure you would agree with me, have probably been written more carefully, edited more excruciatingly, presented in the most professional way to make sure they carry the points that the producers and writers and directors wanted carried. And those points that are carried through television very often have to do with the qualities Hollywood believes should be most attractive in the person you are selecting to be you long-time mate. So your brain gets programmed.
Unfortunately television tends to promote values and qualities in another person I don’t believe have long-lasting effects. I don’t believe that what television tells you to look for in a potential partner will indeed serve you very well over the long term of a relationship.
For instance, television encourages you to focus primarily on appearance. But what we know from our research is that great marriages are very seldom highly correlated with initial appearance evaluations at the beginning of the marriage. So, if you tend to choose a person just because they look good, the possibility is that over time, other variables will become much more predominant in your thinking.
And if you don’t spend time looking for those other variables, you’re liable to end up with a partner who has a very nice appearance, but with other qualities that don’t match with your requirements.
So now you can understand, why we have an epidemic in North America of poor mate selection. I believe we’ve been programmed to focus on qualities that, in the long run, don’t create success in a relationship. In part two of this series, I’ll share with you a plan for refocusing your mate selection lens, and targeting people who share the values and personality traits that create relationally brilliant, loving, lifelong marriage.
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