But if you are unsure about your social barometer, it’s time to take action if you want to become the kind of person who radiates self-giving love.  If you sometimes endure too many conversational lulls or feel socially awkward too frequently, or if you suffer from shyness, why not give this a try?

Take a colleague to lunch and begin a line of quality questions.  We’re convinced you will sense a new level of social confidence almost immediately.  As you think in terms of How are they doing? And choose to be genuinely interested, you will witness how quickly this person feels understood and appreciated. 

But be prepared.  If the person is socially unskilled, like J.T., the questions will be one-sided.  You will be doing most (or all) of the question asking; the other person will be doing most of the talking.

If, on the other hand, they are reading their own social barometer, they will eventually turn the tables.  And you will witness the social law of reciprocity that states, “Vulnerability begets vulnerability.”  Once they reveal information about their career aspirations, for example, they will be genuinely interested in yours. 

And when this kind of give-and-take occurs on nearly any subject, you will find yourself in the midst of a terrific conversation.  You are enjoying emotional rapport and social synchrony.

Used by permission from "Love the Life You Live" by Les Parrott, Ph.D. & Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D., published by Tyndale, 2003. Visit eHarmony.com to find the love of your life.