Truth be told, we know that’s exactly what you’re saying whenever you choose to be stuck in the past because research has clearly revealed it.  Every time you make an excuse for not succeeding in the present, every time you cast your gaze to the past for an explanation of your current predicament, you are convincing yourself that your problem is more and more hopeless.  In fact – and this is key – you excuses are actually producing the very kind of problem behavior you are attempting to explain.

Let’s take Dave for an example.  For years he’s blamed his problems in relationships on his overbearing mother and his distant father.  I just can’t get anybody to like me, he tells himself – and he acts on that.  Although he’s physically attractive and has garnered many dates as a result, he booby-traps every date by showing up late, forgetting his wallet, or talking only about himself.  My parents just never taught me to relate to others, he insists.  Well, perhaps they did – and perhaps they didn’t.  But again, that isn’t the issue.  Because he thinks he can’t relate to others, he isn’t even trying – and as a result, he doesn’t relate well to others.

At the University of Kansas, C. R. Snyder and Raymond L. Higgins have been studying for years the excuses for irresponsible, self-defeating behavior.  And while much of their work has focused on the legal system and society at large, they are also concerned about the effects of excuses on individual health and well-being.  What they have found may surprise you.

First of all, they have documented that excuses soften the link between you and an unfortunate action.  That’s the seduction of a good excuse.  I can’t control my anger because I’ve always been this way.  I’ll never find my soul mate because I seem to attract only the most needy.  I’ll be in debt forever because my family could never save money.  All these excuses and millions more put a distance between you and your failures.  They provide a modicum of comfort because you can explain your angry outbursts, your failed relationships, and your financial woes by pointing to something beyond yourself.

And that’s why, for the short-term, we all need excuses.  They protect our dignity and keep a fragile sense of self-esteem from crumbling.  But these same excuses, why they linger too long, become our rationalizations for staying stuck.

In other words, an excuse that made you feel less guilty or less defeated at the inset of a poor choice will eventually explain who you are – not simply what you have done.  And being at the receiving end of someone else’s poor choice (such as childhood abuse or a marital affair) will eventually explain who you are – not simply what has been done to you.