6. The Complementarian Principle

John Piper observes,

The tendency today is to stress the equality of men and women by minimizing the unique significance of our maleness and femaleness.  But this depreciation of male and female personhood is a great loss.  It is taking a tremendous toil on generations of young men and women who do not know what it means to be a man or a woman.”⁴⁷

Contemporary evangelicalism is in the throes of a debate about masculinity and femininity.  This is especially evident in the context of preparing for marriage.  God has designed men and women to enjoy different roles in marriage.  People who disagree with that are called egalitarians.  They believe that men’s and women’s roles in marriage are equal.  I disagree, and here’s why:

- The term complementarity comes from the biblical teaching that men and women have been given different roles so they might complement each other.  The complementarian position recognizes the uniqueness in God’s creative order with respect to men and women:

At the heart of mature masculinity is a sense of benevolent responsibility to lead, provide for, and protect women in ways appropriate to a man’s differing relationships.⁴⁸

At the heart of true femininity is a freeing disposition to affirm, receive, and nurture strength and leadership from worthy men in ways appropriate to a woman’s differing relationships.⁴⁹

The biblical data is undeniable for these statements (see Genesis 1-3; Ephesians 5:21-33; Colossians 3:19-19; 1 Timothy 3:4, 12; Titus 2:3-5; 1 Peter 3:1-7).  For men and women to be ready for marriage, they must prepare themselves for these roles.  Men need to learn to lead with grace.  Their leadership is to be as understanding and trustworthy as that of Jesus Himself (see Ephesians 5:22-33).  Following the example of Christ, this leadership is not to be heavy-handed or authoritarian.  It should be tender and understanding (see 1 Peter 3:7).

To prepare themselves for marriage, women need to learn wise submission to men worthy of this privilege.  This is first learned by submitting to their fathers, church leaders, and other authorities in life.  But the Bible does not call a woman to submit to a man in a romantic relationship until she is his wife.  The process of learning to submit herself to a man in this way – and discerning whether that man is worthy of such submission – should take place during the dating period.

I believe God’s Word clearly teaches a complementarian design for men’s and women’s roles that flows out of our understanding of masculinity and femininity.  Understanding and developing these roles is an important part of preparing for marriage.