We are self-centered people. Even many efforts that appear to be benevolent are really disguised manipulations to please ourselves. Note how often we get upset when things don’t go our way. We pout, slam doors, refuse to talk, sneak around, we get even. There seems to be few limits to what we are capable of doing.

But, in the love relationship we have an incredible opportunity to break the bonds of selfishness. When we practice, really practice, Ephesians 4:29, about “letting no unwholesome word proceed out of our mouth except that which is fitting for building others up”—wow, the possibilities. We can think about what our mate needs at the moment, and provide it, whether it is a listening ear, a gentle hug, given without expectation to receive.

When we are thoughtful of others’ needs, when we work at being considerate, and even work at understanding the love language of another—then real love develops. Can you imagine a world where:

• Each conflict is an opportunity 
• Every “issue” can be a way to expand ourselves, spiritually and emotionally 
• There are always new ways to keep love and excitement alive 

Solomon, the wisest man in the world, is informed by the Lord to ask for whatever he wants. He says, “Give your servant a discerning heart … to be able to distinguish right from wrong.” (I Kings 3) If we do not understand our past, we are prone to repeat it. Or, said another way—doing the same thing and expecting different results is called insanity. The wisdom of man is folly to God. Allowing God to move in our lives—even aspects of our love lives or old behaviors we want to rid from our lives—can be very empowering.

Will you explore how you can grow emotionally and spiritually in your relationship? Will you see conflict as an opportunity to grow? If so, you may really be ready for love.

David Hawkins, Pd.D., has worked with couples and families to improve the quality of their lives by resolving personal issues for the last 30 years. 

He is the author of over 18 books, including Love Lost: Living Beyond a Broken Marriage, Saying It So He'll Listen, and When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You. His book, When the Man in Your Life Can’t Commit, released in February 2006. Dr. Hawkins grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and lives on the South Puget Sound where he enjoys sailing, biking, and skiing. He has active practices in two Washington cities.