Dear Dr. David,

I am a sixty-five year old woman, married to a strong Christian man. My problem is that for years I’ve lived my life for him, and for our three children. I’ve been active in the church, a devoted mother and wife, and now find that I don’t know myself. I have forgotten what I feel about things, don’t feel respected by my husband, and even feel lost in church. I don’t know what I like, and only have a vague sense about what I don’t like. I feel lost. I wonder if there are other women who find that they’ve given years of their lives away, only to wake up many years later with regrets. Do you have any suggestions for me now? ~ Lost

Dear Lost,

Your story is surprisingly familiar. Women, as you well know, have been taught by our culture and the church to be nurturers, children-bearers and supportive wives. There is nothing wrong with these roles, unless they occur to the exclusion of developing and nurturing themselves. Many, like yourself, find that they have given, and given, and then find themselves “numb” rather than feeling alive and excited about life.

I do have some suggestions for you.

First, it’s time to nurture yourself. We’ve gotten confused about self-nurturance and selfishness. Selfishness is caring exclusively about your own interest without regard for others. Self-nurturance is about caring for yourself as you care for others, and so you can effectively care about others. It’s time to consider what brings you joy and delight and participate in some of those things.

Second, embark on a journey of self-discovery. Since you’ve forgotten what you like and dislike, and perhaps even what brings you joy, you may have to go on an adventure or two. You can explore possibilities to rekindle curiosity and enthusiasm, such as visiting your local museum or library, walk in the park or take a long bus ride. Experiment with different activities to get the creative juices flowing again.

Third, guard against losing yourself in others. While there is certainly a biblical place for meeting others needs, we’re never to do that to the exclusion of self-care, or when others should be meeting their own needs. It’s critical that you learn the difference. Practicing setting healthy boundaries will be important work.

Finally, participate in group/ or individual counseling to assist you in rediscovering yourself. You probably cannot do this work alone, and need a guide to help you in this journey. A trained professional will help you determine if you’re clinically depressed and ways to overcome codependency. I also encourage you to read my book, When Pleasing Others is Hurting You, dealing specifically with codependency.