Neck Origami, Glowing Innards, and Pushing Around a Squeaky Little Cart
- 2007 Apr 09
Good morning! Or whatever time it is when you happen to read this!
I hope you had a wonderful Easter. Though of course it's pretty hard not to, 'eh?
He is risen, indeed!
I, on the other hand, could barely get out of bed this morning. But rise I did, because I’m a busy guy with a schedule veritably packed with tons of exceptionally important things that I need to get done today. So I wanted to get as early a start as possible on my day.
Okay, fine. I got up because I was hungry.
And then, about five minutes later, I realized that I hadn’t gone grocery shopping in so long I was stuck actually wondering if you could make anything tasty out of mustard and a can of pumpkin pie filling.
Turns out you can’t.
Life. It’s so … food-oriented, basically.
Anyway, right. So one way I used to make money to buy food was as Office Flunky to a bunch of lawyers who made $450 an hour advising huge international corporations on how to most effectively protect whatever was left of their money after they were done paying their legal bills. It was a pretty sweet job. Except that I had to push around a squeaky little mail cart, ala’ the mentally-challenged Benny on the old L.A. Law TV show. And of course I had to wear a tie, which, for me, meant losing an hour a day playing Self-Strangulatioin Through Neck Origami. And I certainly wasn’t too keen on having to spend so many hours at a time standing at a powerplant-sized photocopier that I used to wonder when the light from my glowing iridescently internal organs would start being bright enough to keep my wife and I awake at night.
But other than that stuff, it was a great job!
Anyway, my Official Duties there consisted of sending faxes and sorting mail and all that kind of stuff. So one day I was sitting at my desk, eagerly awaiting my next opportunity to copy something or move a box somewhere, when I decided to do what I only do when I’m so crazed with boredom that my only reasonable option is to jab a letter opener deep into my thigh. I decided to think. What else could I do? They’d already taken away the little TV set I’d totally hooked up inside the part of my desk that was supposed to hold files.
Files. I’m so sure. How is looking at files supposed to help me pass the time?
But, lawyers. They’re so … argumentative.
Anyway, I decided to Seriously Contemplate. What the heck. I had an hour to kill before lunch.
And that right there, I'm afraid, is about as long as any normal, self-respecting blog should be, don’t you think?
Tomorrow: What I Thought About Right Before I Got Saved.
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