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St. Patrick: The Benevolent Catholic Leprechaun

St. Patrick: famous throughout the universe

Whereas others would have to study a book or watch the History Channel in order to know the true story of St. Patrick, over the years I, through my surroundings and culture, have simply absorbed the facts of the man known to history as the Patron Saint of Clovers. And for your edification I now share those facts with you:

St. (short for Stanley) Patrick was a Catholic leprechaun who, in ancient times, lived in medieval Ireland, which is roughly the southern half of the island of Great Britain (then known as Arthur Land). As a young man, "Lucky P," as he was known to his friends, was a frivolous, slightly balding gadabout, always doing magic tricks and scamming children out of their delicious breakfasts. As he grew older, though, Stanley couldn't help but notice that his beloved town of Gakearnei Egrhhe o Kieaierainieau Blagraiehor e' Lehkrkhaerneyai nee' O'Ianietraneourenlochnegear-by-the-Bay was being run over by green alcoholic snakes.

"Tis the work of Beelzebub!" famously declared Stan. Though he didn't know who Beelzebub was, but just liked saying the word, he was nonetheless stirred to action when he looked down and saw that a slithering snake had gotten stuck on one of the huge buckles of his patent-leather leprechaun shoes.

"Aarrrrgh!" cried Stanley, frantically shaking his foot. (Aarrrgh is middle-Irish for "enough.") "I'm going to become a Christian!"

Incredibly, this was before the time of Christ. But no matter, for his anachronistic spiritual galvanization gave Stanley the strength he needed to sit down, carve himself a flute out of an old hickory stick, and begin playing a music so lovely all the snakes around him attacked him.

"Haarggh!" Stan cried, leaping up and heartily clicking his heels, since there was another snake stuck on his foot. "I know! I'll walk briskly away while continuing to play my flute, and all the snakes will follow me out of town!" And that's exactly what he did.

Today, of course, we remember St. Patrick as the man who led all the snakes out of Ireland, and into Africa. We associate with him the color green, because of how green with envy all his neighbors were when they realized that while he would become famous for walking fast while playing unlistenable flute music, they would be unremembered to history.

For more on the illustrious St. Patrick, you can visit the Wikipedia page on him. But I'm sure you won't learn anything there beyond what I've taught you here.

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