Dear Dr. David,

I am beyond frustrated with my marriage and husband. We have been married for ten years and have never been able to stop bickering. We seem to fight over the smallest things. When angry, my husband says mean things, and I’ve learned to say them right back. Sometimes I’m embarrassed that we are Christians, love the Lord and attend church frequently, but have this part of our lives that never seems to change. You’d think that if we are Christians, and want a strong marriage, we could learn to get along. Things have gotten so bad that we are considering divorce, even though we don’t really believe in it. We know it may hurt our children, but we can’t continue to live like this. We are in an emergency. What counsel can you give that might help us, and perhaps others, save their marriage? ~ Seeking Relief

Dear Seeker,

I am encouraged that you are reaching out for help. Perhaps the number one mistake any couple makes, Christian or not, is to attempt to be self-sufficient. The Scriptures tell us that we are to “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of the Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)

It is not only seeking help that is important, however. It is being humble enough to recognize you and your husband have developed some very destructive patterns of behavior. It is those behaviors, occurring repeatedly, that are destroying your marriage. Left unattended, they will do even greater damage. These destructive patterns of communication, ineffective conflict management, and the gradual erosion of loving behaviors, over time lead to resentment and loss of trust.

There is good news, however. There is a saying: “If it’s predictable, it’s preventable.” If you know the times, places and topics that create conflict, you can learn to alter those patterns. If you know the ways he tends to bicker with you, and the ways you bicker back, you can learn to “let no unwholesome word proceed out of your mouth.” (Ephesians 4: 29)

I am saddened at the number of couples who stubbornly refuse to learn skills to stabilize their marriage. Using tried and true skills to avoid conflict and create intimacy, couples can rebuild their relationship.

Consider the following skills to stabilize your emergency:

First, agree to stop the conflict. Yes, it can be that simple. Agree that you will not fight about anything, and will set hot issues aside until you’ve learned the skills necessary to talk about them in a respectful way. Agree to end defensiveness, so you can truly listen to the needs and concerns of your mate.

Second, seek professional help. Take hold of your pride and admit that you are caught in a downward spiral that will not have a positive end. Tell your husband that you must find a qualified Christian therapist, or trained counseling pastor, who will help you share thoughts, feelings and needs in a constructive way.