Living with Longing

I remember being younger and hearing women say their biological clock was ticking. I thought it was a desperate plea for a man, and I felt bad for them. Now that I'm older and more mature, I understand the fear. It didn't hit me until last year. I'm 27, so I'm still young, but the fact that 30 is only a few years away and there are no men on the horizon is a scary thought. Since I was a high schooler, I've dreamed about the man I'd marry and the children we'd have. I just assumed it was a given. I've had several moments of intense sorrow and fear when I've asked myself the dreaded question: What if I never get married, and what if I never get to have children?

I long for children. I anticipate the day when I can tell my husband we're expecting. I want to feel the baby moving in my stomach. I want to give birth and see the product of love my husband and I have created. I look forward to staying at home with my children, dropping them off at school, picking them up, tucking them in at night. I know motherhood has its ups and downs. I have many friends with children, so I know the good, the bad, and the ugly about raising them. This doesn't deter me from wanting to have them, though. It makes me want to work to be the best mom I can be if God chooses to bless me in that way.

God does have complete control over my single, motherless status. Is it enough to know he's in control? It should be, but sometimes it isn't. I'm learning to fill the void with other things—hanging out with friends, working with the youth at my church, loving on my friends' children, etc. It's not the same as having a husband and children of my own, but it helps me get through the tough times.

The Adoption Option

Ever since I could remember, I've felt adoption was one fine way to build a family. In my early 30s, I began looking into different adoption avenues. I still planned to get married and have children biologically, but I also wanted to adopt.

After a seven–year relationship ended, I looked into adoption again, but then I met the man I thought I would marry. After a two–year relationship that ended when he died of cancer, I grieved for about a year and decided I would put my plans to adopt into motion. The one thing I wanted to make sure I experienced was being a mother.

Now, nearly four years later, I'm 40 and the very happy single mom to a two year old. Sure, the road to get here has been difficult, but God has always been faithful and he really delivered when he gave me the desire of my heart.

I don't believe now that I'll ever have children biologically. When you see the need, the many children out there with no family to call their own, it does a permanent change in your heart. I'm hoping we'll get to add to our family in the coming years.

Believing in Miracles

It's amazing, but the very mention of the words "biological" and "clock" make my heart race and anxiety grip me to the core. I try to hand this over to the Lord by praying every time panic sets in, but the odds don't look much in my favor.

Let's be realistic, I'm 35 and I certainly don't have men beating down my door to date me. Suppose I did meet someone fabulous today. We'd have to factor in the odds of whether or not he liked me too. Then we'd have to factor in the odds of actually making a real relationship work. We haven't even begun to calculate the time it takes to get to the point of talking marriage. By the time an engagement and a wedding happen, I better not think of using birth control if I expect to be having children anytime before I turn 40.