Family time as a single person often can be uncomfortable, and sometimes borderline excruciating, even in the best families. This Christmas I journeyed back home to Indiana. I easily could have chosen the three-strikes-and-they're-out method with my family, but I tried grace instead. I'm on a quest to understand why our married family members and friends (and the Church) often have a negative mindset toward singles, and why they generally lack the sensitivity and acceptance for which we singles long.
Let me first take you through my 1-2-3 strike count on this recent trip home. To many people, these comments may seem harmless, and undoubtedly they were said without any malicious intent. But inside, such words cut to the heart of we who don't necessarily care to be "singled out."
Never a topic that waits until the end of my trip home, my singleness came up the first night as my family was dining out. Abruptly and unexpectedly, my mom turned to me and asked, "When are you going to get married, Cory?"
Tired of the terseness and insensitivity of this frequent question, I admit to handling this one harshly. "Why do you always have to ask that?" I answered, with a tone that made everyone acutely aware that our nice dinner was now ending awkwardly.
Leave it to the holidays to make singles feel out of place in a married world. Again while eating with my extended family, conversation turned to some acquaintances who were struggling with marital un-bliss. My grandmother, thinking this was some kind of compliment, said to me, "You're smart for not getting married, Cory," as if I personally had made the bachelor-for-life choice years ago.
This time, as I felt a warm blush of red cross my face, I wisely chose to smile, nod, and pray the conversation quickly turned away from me. Luckily, no one chose to pick up on the topic of my singleness and we moved on.
The next time my singleness became the center of conversation was as I was holding my newborn first nephew. My sister's son has brought an excitement and pride to our family. Snapping pictures, learning baby-talk, and watching every move of our newest family member are staples of our new routine. This time, my dad chimed in with a hearty, "Aren't you ready for one of your own?"
For years, I've longed to have a family and be a father, so this off-handed comment struck a sensitive chord within me. I could feel the emotion building up inside, but I passed the comment off as entirely unaffecting and said, "Yep, I can't wait."
You may relate to these types of comments from your family and friends. You may dread them like I do. I know no harm was meant by each comment, but it's hard not to be left with negative feelings and questions. Am I not accepted? Have I not fulfilled my family's expectations? Does everyone feel sorry for me? Why am I different?
Marrieds and singles can do each other a great service by learning each other's sensitivities. Open, loving communication is the best way to do so. Lately, I've made a few observations that you might use to assess your own life and to share with your married family and friends.
1) Marrieds only want singles to be happy. And often they can't imagine how a single person could be happy—alone. Surprisingly, I find I'm happy and content with life the large majority of the time. I keep faith that my day will come. I enjoy the freedom and independence of the single life. And, I daily try to trust in God's master plan.
2) Marrieds don't understand that some comments deeply affect us. In no way do we want them to walk on eggshells around us. Many questions and comments are welcome if they're uplifting instead of insensitive. In fact, I have no problem talking openly about my marital status since I'm actually quite happy and fulfilled. It's those few harsh comments that leave us feeling different, unaccepted, and embarrassed.
3) Marrieds should encourage singles to not let life slip by. Being married isn't a prerequisite to fulfilling your dreams and ambitions, those things you desire such as traveling, saving for your future, buying a home, serving in your church and community, and building a career. Singles should never "wait on God to bring the right person" before they experience adventure or strive to become self-sustaining. Too often I've heard people say, "Well, when I'm married …" Adventures and risks only add to our faith, and ultimately make us more desirable to a future husband or wife.
4) Marrieds must accept that some of us are meant to be single longer—or maybe forever. Most singles I know desperately want to be married. But we shouldn't force God's plan by developing an intimate relationship with the wrong person. We've all seen what happens in those cases.
Singleness isn't an excuse to limit our walk with God and our efforts to grow closer to him. Our sights need to stay focused on him, instead of focusing too much on when we're going to finally tie the knot—and to whom.
Marrieds definitely could be more sensitive and encouraging about our singleness. But we singles can do them a favor by openly and lovingly communicating how we'd like to be treated. And we all can take comfort that maybe, just maybe, God has allowed us to be in our current status "for such a time as this."
We welcome your feedback and brainstorms at: SinglesNewsletter@ChristianityToday.com
