The point is, an intentional man makes his purposes known. He tells you what he’s doing, and where he’s leading. He is clear about where he wants the relationship to go. When he’s not clear, when he’s not saying anything, when he’s enjoying the friendship but not moving forward – he’s not being intentional. Period. You don’t see noble deeds because he’s not making those noble plans. You may have the greatest friendship in the world, but he’s just hanging out in it. In fact, one man called this half-hearted testing of the water “the buddy approach.”
 
I know how tempting it is to hang out in these undefined friendships, where the best you can get is a blurry, part-time boyfriend. At least some attention is better than none, right? Nope, sorry, I’m no longer convinced of that. For one, I find it challenging to guard my heart and keep my peace before God in these “hopeful friendships.” I’m always in danger of closing my fist-of-demand over the friendship, instead of leaving this friendship in open hands before the Lord. Second, it tempts the men to passivity, in my humble observation. It provides them with the out of “Oh, maybe you misunderstood me, we’re just friends.” If we women would be better about guarding the amount of time and attention invested in these close friendships, we might see our reserve rewarded with pursuit instead of passivity. After all, we don’t want to manipulate the situation and then live under one of the three things the Bible says makes the earth tremble: “an unloved woman when she gets a husband” (Proverbs 30:23). 

When is a man interested? When he says so, and his actions back up his words. Anything less is at best merely friendly, and possibly even uncertain or inconsiderate. If he’s a noble man who’s made noble plans, one of his noble deeds is letting you know about it!

(A shout out to the guys still reading this column. See? It really does come down to those three little words:  Talk. To. Her. I also hope you are not discouraged by the points above. It’s worth stating again: Perfection is not the standard. We only want to see you taking biblical standards seriously and attempting to apply them in your lives. I often receive letters from guys saying there’s not much material out there for cultivating godliness as a single man. Yes, it does seem that most materials are for single women. Though I do not presume to fill that void – it’s better that you are equipped and discipled by other godly men – I do hope that by eavesdropping here you’ve derived some benefit and have some points to discuss with the guys. We women are praying for you!)

Carolyn McCulley handles church and ministry relations for Sovereign Grace Ministries and is a member of Covenant Life Church in Gaithersburg, MD.

This column is adapted from her book, "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting God with a Hope Deferred." (Used by permission of Crossway Books, a division of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, IL 60187, www.gnpcb.org). Carolyn welcomes your comments at info@carolynmcculley.com. Or visit her website (www.carolynmcculley.com) or blog (solofemininity.blogs.com).