When I was dating, I was, like all young guys, deathly afraid of the fathers of the girls I went out with. If the majority of fathers showed any interest in meeting the boys their daughters were dating, I suspect that nearly all young men would be forced to remain celibate until marriage.
The other day I stopped by an apartment complex to visit a young boy whose single mother had asked me to meet with him. As I pulled into the large complex, I noticed at least thirty-five or forty kids playing in the parking lot. The kids were of all ages, from toddlers up to teenagers. Several of the older boys were wearing gang attire, aggressively posturing, smoking pot, and swearing loudly. A number of young ladies wearing suggestive clothing were hanging around them, trying to get their attention. Rap music was blaring from a speaker for all the kids to hear, no matter how young. The lyrics of the song were so vulgar that they would have embarrassed the sailors on the Navy ship I was once stationed on. Yet these children played amidst this chaos as if it were a normal part of growing up. The only adults around were a few predatory men who skirted the perimeter of the action, looking for weakened prey.
My first thought was, What chance do these children have of growing up to lead normal, productive, happy, and fulfilled lives? My second thought was, Where are the adults? Where are all the men? When I spoke to the mother, I learned that no men were around because no men live there except the few I noted earlier scanning the flock for victims. I had just entered the realm of fatherless America.
I came by the apartment complex several weeks later, on a weekend. Many children were out playing, but this time four or five visiting fathers were out interacting with and supervising them. This time there were no predators lurking about, no gang attire, no drugs, no loud rap music, no half-naked girls, and no swearing. What a difference positive male influence makes. It was as if the sun had come out over the courtyard.
Fathering is a modeled behavior that is becoming an increasingly rare commodity today. Because of the high divorce rate in our culture, we have a generation of fathers who grew up without fathers of their own. Men have become fathers without ever having seen how a father acts and what his role entails.
Before I became a Christian, I was concerned about my fathering skills. Not having had a very good role model growing up, I was not exactly sure of what to do in certain situations. I found myself reacting instead of having a proactive game plan. Reacting to situations often forced me to use anger instead of wisdom. Even after I started reading books to improve my fathering skills, I was not confident in my abilities. The books encouraged looking for "teaching moments" to use for lessons. I wasn’t sure what a teaching moment was, much less what to say or do when it came along. Thus I found myself evading or walking away from my responsibilities, thinking I was avoiding failure. I knew my children not only expected a better father but deserved one. And I knew my wife was watching and evaluating my role as a father. The prospect of losing her respect was more than I wished to endure. But by walking away from my responsibilities and trying to avoid failing actively, I was still failing. I was just failing passively, which was even worse!
