When your Spouse Dies:

If you are new to widowhood, your days often feel like you're walking in a long black tunnel. You are not alone. But with effort - over time - the tunnel brightens; the road seems shorter, wider, and filled with companions on the journey.

Consider these guideposts:

1. Make no big changes. During the months after the death of a spouse it is almost impossible to sort out and evaluate the different choices that confront you. Wait a year to settle in to your situation before you sell a home, move, or get romantically involved with another person.

2. Be gentle with yourself; allowing God's love to surround you. Pay attention to getting enough sleep, eating nutritional foods, and getting some exercise.

3. Ask for help. Take classes in areas you don't understand: cooking, finance, car care, etc. Ask friends or relatives to assist. People want to help, let them.

4. Read and learn. By reading and listening to other people's stories, you can gain insight and support for the ordeal you are going through. There is a wealth of books on the topic at the library or bookstore.

5. Keep a journal. Writing your thoughts, emotions, feelings, and encounters in a notebook can be therapeutic. This will help alleviate your stress and be a marker in months ahead of the progress you've made.

6. Focus on today. Deal with the hurts, works, and blessings of this day alone, not the seemingly endless road ahead.

7. Find kindred spirits. Look for those who share the same value system, who can bounce ideas back and forth, and guide you in your many decisions. These could be special relatives, friends, or Christian mentors.

8. Be open to spiritual growth. The Bible holds the truth and the power to face the changes in your life. Begin your day in prayer, turn to God with every new wave of emotion, telling Him of your pain and fears; and at the close of the day, thank Him for bringing you through another day.

From When Your Spouse Dies by Cathleen L. Curry. Copyright (c) 1990 by Ave Maria Press. Used by permission of Ave Maria Press, Notre Dame, Ind., 1-800-282-1865.

Cathleen Curry lives in Elk Point, S.D., where she claims to be "retired from raising nine children." She is a graduate of Briar Cliff College and has been active in Catholic Family Services programs and the Beginning Experience, a program for the widowed. She received a Coolidge Research Colloquium Grant for study at the Episcopal Divinity School in Cambridge, Mass., to help research her second book, When your Parent Dies.