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Recently, my wife and I have found ourselves in discussions about restaurants where we've dined. We enjoyed the food in each place and found the staff sufficiently friendly. But several aspects loomed large in our conversation, provoking me--ever the preacher--to thinking about how churches could benefit from studying what these eating establishments are doing, and what they're not doing.

1. I wish churches put as much emphasis on friendly greeters at the front door as great restaurants do.

Often they are teenagers, or perhaps college students. The kids are fresh-faced, sweet-spirited, well-dressed, and friendly. The graciousness appears genuine.

Have you ever walked up to an unfamiliar church and saw no one at the doors, no greeters or welcoming team anywhere on the premises? It happens to me frequently.

Are restaurants more interested in welcoming paying customers than churches are interested in showing hospitality to people coming to worship the living Christ?

Even so, sometime in the service the preacher or a staff member will give a verbal welcome. They will tell how much this church loves visitors and guests. But it doesn't wash. It rings hollow.

Take the business of having a handshaking, fellowshiping time in the middle of the worship service. If the members do not care enough to greet newcomers before and/or after the service, any attempt to do so within the service itself doesn't work. To a visitor, the only friendliness that counts is the spontaneous outpouring prior to and after the worship.

The most successful restaurants choose greeters carefully and train them. Managers monitor them occasionally and correct the greeters who are not getting it right. Furthermore, these young people are surrounded by a staff of their peers who will help them.

Churches can learn from this. A church interested in effectively welcoming newcomers will have continual greeter training going on.

2. I wish churches knew what restaurants know: while the food served is the main thing, it's not the only thing.

Many pastors make the mistake of assuming if their sermon is a winner, worshipers can put up with just about anything else.

Not even close.

These days, in middle-sized to large towns, worshipers have their choice of several fine churches with excellent preaching. All things being equal, they will gravitate toward the church that does the best job of showing newcomers they are welcome, helping them find rooms and events, and making their initial experience a good one.

My wife and I ate lunch at a well-known restaurant in our neighborhood last week. I pointed out to her that when the restaurant changed ownership not long ago, they began trying to upgrade the facility. She said, "Good thing."

In places, the paint was peeling, the floors needed attention, and the weeds were growing in corners of the yard. The service was slow, although the food was outstanding.

We had been wondering if this was the restaurant to book for Easter Sunday. I was willing, but Margaret wanted to treat our guests a little better than this, so we went elsewhere.

The most successful restaurants do not rely solely on their menu to bring customers back. They are always painting and cleaning. Likewise, the eateries that neglect their appearance will soon find themselves without customers.

3. The main thing is the food. It is a restaurant, after all. And restaurants--like churches--must never forget why they are in business. For churches, the main thing is the message preached.

A store in Dothan, Alabama, sported a large sign in its window: "Going out of business because we forgot what we were in business for." (Wouldn't you love to know the story behind that? I would.)

When I'm hungry and looking for a restaurant, even though the appearance and cleanliness of the facility and the friendliness of the staff and efficiency of the waiters are important, what matters most is the food. If I'm in the mood for a steak, my mind quickly flits through the steakhouses in our area and sorts them out. Which is our favorite? Which offers the best dining experience? Which will not bust my wallet?

The preacher of this church is a great guy but he doesn't study. His sermons are shallow and dull. So, I'll pass, thank you.

The pastor of the next church knows his Hebrew and Greek and will let you know it in a heartbeat. He loves to study, his sermons are deep, and I always learn something. But there seems to be something lacking--something like practical application. The pastor lacks an appreciation for what working people deal with during the week.

What else ya got?

The third pastor is evangelistic. I like that. But I wish he was equally into discipling the believers. If you want a friend to hear the gospel and have the opportunity to be saved, bring him here one Sunday. But then, take him somewhere else to learn what living the Christian life is all about.

The fourth pastor works hard at finding the balance. That's my guy. That's my pastor of choice.

4. Speaking of choice... people have choices these days, in where they will eat as well as where they will worship.

I hate this about what the Christian faith has become in this country, but it's there nonetheless.

In the Alabama town we visited last week, the mega-First Baptist Church sits across the street from the huge First United Methodist Church. And in between, almost crowded out, sits the tiny Church of Christ.

Many medium-sized towns across the Southland will have a downtown intersection where four Christian churches of different denominations occupy all four corners.

It's truly weird.

I wonder what the Lord thinks about it. But there it is.

Whatever else we make of it, good or bad, people today have choices where they will worship, just as they do where they will dine.

I live in the Deep South. Can you tell? There are still communities in this country where the choices are extremely limited. But not in the South. Someone once said Texas is a star-shaped state covered by a thin layer of Baptists. Or, maybe you heard it this way: In (fill in the blank with your favorite southern state), there are more church members than people.

5. However, let's not overdo this parallelism. A restaurant lives by the bottom line. A church does not and should not ever.

The church member who divides the number of people reached for the Lord into the total budget to see if they are getting their money worth is missing the point. It does not work that way.

The church member who divides the number of people saved into the total expenditure for last week's revival to determine whether the investment was worthwhile is missing something major.

No church should be making a profit or declaring dividends.

The Lord's churches will always be straining at the limit of their resources. They will be finding new opportunities, gaining new vision, and opening new enterprises all the time.

When John Bisagno went to the First Baptist Church of Houston, Texas, as pastor nearly 50 years ago--that seems so strange now, since I recall when it happened--the church was stagnated in growth and forgotten by the city. Looking over the finances, Brother John saw a bank account holding $60,000, a goodly sum in those days.

"What's this for?" he asked.

The financial manager said, "That's for a rainy day."

The pastor said, "For a rainy day? My lord, it's been flooding for years!!"

That money was spent quickly as their new pastor called the church into action.

The only one who should be making a profit from a church sits on the Throne in Heaven. We who labor on His staff, so to speak, should keep His resources working for Him and not bury them in the ground like a disobedient servant Jesus spoke about. After all, our Lord's resources are as infinite as He is. He is not pleased when we hoard them, pile them up in savings accounts for some possible disaster in the future, and act as if He has left us to our own devices.

Unlike restaurants, at church the Master Chef is always on the premises, ever watching over the operation, overseeing every detail, concerned about each person who enters and the personnel who serve them.

The rest of us are like teenagers at the front door, simply doing His bidding.

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(Note: This is a follow-up to an earlier post, Our Top 10 Mistakes in 50 Years of Marriage).

Conflict makes stories work.

Write a book on how you succeeded with nary a mishap and made it to the top without a struggle of any kind and even your best friend, after buying a dozen copies, will lay it aside halfway through. It's boring.

But tell how you struggled, how you failed and got back up, how life handed you lemons and you made a meringue pie, and we will all read it and cheer you on.

Our previous blog told of ten mistakes Margaret and I made over a half-century of marital bliss. (I'm putting that word in there just for her, to give her a smile. There were blissful moments, to be sure, but so many of the bad moments, the times when you're so miserable you don't know what to do except throw yourself on the mercy of God and love each other by faith.)

I told a friend yesterday that, in retrospect, the good times in our marriage were like the Smoky Mountains, and the bad times like the Rockies. That is, the good were nice and pleasant, green and verdant and sweet. But it's the jagged outcrops of granite that seem to loom above everything else, causing us to remember those more than the other.

The first article was about the Rockies. This one is about the Smokies.

So, as promised, here are ten things we got right in a half-century of marriage. And so you won't wonder, Margaret and I made the list last night over supper. It's a joint project.

1. When the going got tough, we hung in there.

As we said in the previous epistle, we talked about parachuting out of the pain, but hung tough. Consequently, God has blessed us richly in a thousand ways.

2. We got counsel.

Again, this is told in the previous article.

When I encounter some husband who is reluctant to accompany his wife for marriage counseling, I tell him I sympathize. I protested for nearly 20 years of marriage. The best surprise I received from sitting in the counseling room was discovering that the counselor is a friend, not a judge, not the referee, and not partial. Our counselors have always become great friends for both of us.

3. We had some great kids.

Our three are now in their 40's and are the joy of our lives. Neil is the oldest (Joe Neil, Jr.), then Marty (John Marshall) and finally Carla, known to many of our oldest friends as Jinoke. We adopted her from Korea in 1974 when she was 5 years old.

Neil is married to Julie, lives here in the N.O. area, and they are parents of Grant, 17, and Abby and Erin, 15. Marty lives in Charlotte, NC., is married to Misha, and they are parents of Darilyn, nearly 15, and Jack, 10. Carla lives in Laconia, New Hampshire, and is a single mom of Leah, 22, Jessica, 20, and JoAnne, 14.

How does that line go--Grandchildren are God's reward for your not killing your children when they were teenagers! I tell my three they will never know just how close they came! But it was worth the wait for these incredible 8 youngsters who are grandpa's heart.

4. Our friends made a world of difference.

When I hear preachers say that pastors should not make close friends among church members, I want to respond, "Are you out of your mind? Where else are you going to find friends? These are the people you spend most of your time with."

Margaret and I have a few close friends in the ministry, but most of our dearest friends over the years have come from our church families. These days they live all over the country, not just in a Mississippi town where we first met them.

When we got in trouble, our friends were there. The true friends, I mean. The kind who would take a bullet for you.

When our sons were in their late teens and, alongwith their buddies, were trying to become gangsters (that's called hyperbole), Margaret rallied our friends. She pulled together the mothers of these boys. They met for coffee from time to time, talked about what they were experiencing, gave each other support, and prayed for one another.

The number one reason our marriage lasted 50 years (and threatens to go onward) is friends.

5. We had supportive churches.

Two of the last three churches we served established the gold standard for supporting a pastor and his wife. The First Baptist churches of Columbus, Mississippi, and Kenner, Louisiana, were led by solid, mature, sweet Christian men and women, who did not panic when they discovered their pastor and his mate were having difficulty in their home or trouble raising a kid.

In the previous article, where I told of Margaret's and my testimony on a Sunday night in March of 1981 ("The Home God Healed"), at the end, I told the church that we were there because of them. They were steadfast, they were loving and prayerful and understanding. And they did one thing more that made all the difference.

They let me know that if I walked away from this marriage, I could not be their pastor. (Call me stupid--I was--but I really had thought my position as pastor might survive a divorce. The leadership telling me 'no' was a wakeup call I had needed. There is a time, friends, to tell a preacher, "If you do that, you are gone.")

6. We gave each other mutual encouragement to grow.

Readers should not assume that Margaret and I were always at odds with each other. We weren't. Sometimes we got it right, even for lengthy periods. Case in point.

Margaret had never been much of a student in school. She dropped out of her freshman year at UAB and went to work. And yet, the first time I saw her in church to know who she was, she was 17 and giving a talk before a youth group. I was blown away by her eloquence and intelligence.

Imagine my surprise when we began dating and I learned her self-confidence was at the basement level.

After I finished seminary and we were pastoring in the Mississippi Delta, she and a friend decided to take a couple of easy freshman courses at nearby Delta Junior College. Many years later, she graduated from Mississippi University for Women (Columbus, MS) summa cum laude. And I threw her a party to celebrate.

I supported her in her continuing education, and in 1972, she supported my plans to return to New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary for a doctorate.

We were on each other's team and never competitors or rivals. We got a lot of things like that right.

7. We made vacations special.

Our son Neil sometimes makes a point of reminding us of trips to the King Tut Exhibit in New Orleans in 1977, of short vacations at various state parks, and of lengthy vacation trips into New England with stops all along the way at the homes of U.S. presidents.

I read the Chronicles of Narnia to our children at a state park in rural Mississippi. We went fishing and hiking, we killed snakes and cooked out.

Once Margaret looked up from a magazine she was reading. "Now I know why you're no fun on vacation." An article in Psychology Today pointed out that it takes the average vacationer 3 days to gear down to rest, and 3 days before returning home he/she begins gearing back up. "That means you have 1 day to enjoy the vacation," Margaret said.

Thereafter, when we could, we scheduled vacations for 2 weeks or even three.

8. We honored each other's parents.

Fortunately, our parents loved us and we loved them. So, this was never a chore.

However....

Once when we were newlyweds and living around the corner from Margaret's parents, I came home from work to find her in tears. Her mother had reamed her out about something. I walked out the door and down the block. "Mother," I said, "She's my wife. And you will not ever, ever do that to her again."

Give her credit. She took that well, respected me for it, and treated her daughter like a married woman thereafter.

9. We learned how to solve problems, how to discuss the bad stuff, how to pray together.

In our fairly miserable North Carolina years (the late 1980s), when a few sick church members were harassing us and some nicer ones were pressuring us to leave, we developed a practice which I've recommended to pastors ever since. We had a time on the back porch every afternoon to discuss, fuss, and/or cuss. We read Scripture, we prayed, and we griped. We laughed, we cried, and we talked about the "sons of belial" (S.O.B.s). And then we left it on the porch.

We had an understanding you could say anything on the porch, but you could not bring it in the house.

Once we were about to read Psalm 67. I have no idea why that particular psalm. But suddenly, everything inside me said, "No. Psalm 66." I couldn't have told you anything about either one, but I moved back to 66, and began reading.

Right in the middle of that psalm--verses 10-12--we saw our situation perfectly described. It was stunning. What are the chances of that happening accidentally?

Margaret saw something else there that I missed. "You brought us out to a place of abundance." In our prayer, she said, "And Lord, we thank you for the promise you've given us here, that you will bring us to a place of abundance."

Thereafter, we claimed that promise. In September of 1990, when the Lord led us to New Orleans to pastor the FBC of Kenner (and in 2004 to become the area missionary for over 130 SBC churches), we found out what "abundance" really means. Romans 5:20 comes to mind: Where sin abounded, grace did much more abound. (New Orleans, like Las Vegas and a few other places, had a well-earned reputation for the abundance of its sin. One more instance of the Lord surprising His disciples by the specificity of His fulfilling His word.)

10. We learned from the mistakes of others.

Margaret's parents, Waller and Inez Henderson, were wonderful people in a hundred ways. They loved me from start to finish and were precious in-laws. But they seem to have been a mismatch in marriage and their children paid a dear price for the unhappiness they experienced.

We more or less insisted they have a 50th anniversary reception. Margaret and her sisters put it on, and old friends flocked to the occasion. Later, I said to her, "I'm so glad your parents have persevered through the tough times. Now, in their twilight years, they can provide pleasant companionship for each other."

You would have thought.

But it was not to be.

After 55 years of marriage, she moved out and divorced him.

A couple in their 90s went to see a lawyer. "We want to get a divorce," they told him. He was astounded. "How long have you people been married?" he asked. "Seventy-five years." "Why have you waited this long to get a divorce?" "Well sir, we were sort of waiting until the children died."

Bad joke. But it seemed to fit what my in-laws did.

Margaret and I are learning that these retirement years really can be the sweetest and most rewarding of all. We have a wonderful, supportive relationship with each other and with our children and their families. We have income enough to live on, and I'm still being invited to preach all over. We're members of an outstanding church (the one I last pastored, from 1990-2004, where our son is chairman of deacons and his wife is the pastor's administrative assistant) and have friends all over.

Thank you, Lord.

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Margaret Ann Henderson and I were wed on a Friday night in April of 1962. A few short weeks later, here we are celebrating the 50th anniversary of that event.

Time does fly.

This Friday night, April 13, at the exact half-century mark, we will be dining in one of our favorite New Orleans restaurants with our two sons and our daughter, our sons' wives, and all eight of our grandchildren, who are flying in from various locations around the country for the weekend. Our pastor and wife, Mike and Terri Miller, will join us for the occasion, as will one other special couple, Beverly and Gerald Nugent.

Son Neil and his wife Julie have put together a notebook of photos which will be on display that night. (It feels not entirely unlike the kind of display funeral homes show for memorial services.) Margaret asked me to draw some kind of something for its cover. I've sketched in a few things, and decided on the heading at the top: The First 50 Years are the Hardest!

That's tongue-in-check, of course. But not much.

Has it been hard? Yes. Has it been wonderful? Sure. Has it been everything we expected when we walked down that aisle at Birmingham's West End Baptist Church so long ago? We had no idea what to expect, so that one's hard to answer.

Would we do it all over again? If we were smart, we would. And if we were truly smart, we'd do it better this time.

We made enough mistakes the first time through for several marriages.

The popular thing to write on one's 50th anniversary is a glowing tribute to one's spouse in admiration for her patience and perseverance and in praise for the Lord's triumph. I feel a lot of that. But I know also that few would benefit from reading that.

What interests people and benefits other marriages is learning from our mistakes. And we made plenty of those.

Here are our top 10 mistakes. (Well, the ones we want to talk about. Smiley-face goes here.)

1. We received zero marital preparation. None.

Now, if pastors were dispensing premarital advice in 1962, I've not heard. No church we knew held such classes or offered such conferences.

On our scheduled visit to the pastor's office to discuss wedding plans, to our great disappointment, this wonderful pastor whom we adored and still treasure, spent the entire hour telling us about a book on Elijah he was trying to write.

I think he felt since we were active in church and headed for the ministry, he had nothing to offer us.

He could have helped us big time.

A word to pastors: It's not necessary for your marriage to be ideal to help newlyweds. If you've been married a year, you have much to tell them.

2. We took unrealistic expectations into marriage.

Margaret will tell you she thought Joe was the Prince Charming who was going to take her away from the conflicts at home and fulfill all her fondest dreams. He would always understand and always be there for her.

Joe thought Margaret would keep the home fires burning while he went out to save the world. She would do what Joe's mother had done, devote herself to raising the family while the husband showed up from time to time.

We were both disappointed quickly. Disillusionment moved in soon after what should have been a honeymoon.

A word to pastors: Get to know this lady you are married to. Hear her heart. Keep yourself close to the Lord. He alone will meet both your needs.

3. We kept our conflicts to ourselves.

Early on, we began to have conflicts. And we dealt with them the way we had been taught at home: Margaret raised her voice and yelled; I bottled them up inside and went for long walks.

We needed a counselor. But we did not know one, did not know what happened during counseling, did not know how we could pay for a counselor, and did not do anything except dig a deeper hole for ourselves.

A note to pastors: There was a time when some people attached a stigma to ministers going for counseling. Only the most ignorant do that any more. Do not sacrifice your marriage to the false and unrealistic expectations of the weakest members of your flock. Take your wife to a godly and mature counselor if you have conflicts that will not go away. And do not sneak around to do it!

4. We did not schedule enough time-to-ourselves after the wedding.

In biblical days, a Hebrew man was exempt from military service for a solid year after his wedding. God's people were so dedicated to the concept of home that a new husband's duties took precedence over his responsibilities to the nation. Not a bad idea.

In our case, we were wed on a Friday night, we were in church on Sunday morning, and back at work on Monday. A few days later, I began my very first revival. This required me to leave home in the mornings for the high school where I was teaching around 7 am, get home around 4 pm, leave home by 5:30 and drive the one hour to the church. I returned home by 10 pm or later.

Not real smart. But I wanted so badly to preach that when that invitation came to lead a revival, I could no more have turned it down than cease to breathe.

This young husband needed a father to sit him down and talk to him about his priorities.

Note to pastors: Your relationship with your wife is far more important than with any member or members of your flock. Giving it priority is God's will for your life and ministry, and not a gift to your wife. Do the right thing.

5. We suffered in silence.

What should we have done when the pain we were both experiencing was so strong and we found no relief? The first thing we should have done, the single action which should have presented itself to us before anything else, was: Prayer.

We should have confided in a few godly and mature (and thus veteran) believers who would have understood, sympathized, and lifted us to the Father.

As it was, we tried to bear up under it alone.

Note to pastors: Don't let your false pride destroy your marriage. A sure sign of true humility is a willingness to ask for help.

6. We postponed getting help until it was almost too late.

Twice Margaret urged me to go with her for counseling: once when we had been married five years and again ten years later. The first time, I stubbornly (and immaturely) refused. "You don't understand," I told her. "I'm the counselor, not the counselee." (I should have been taken out to the woodshed and whipped for that.)

After some 15 years of marriage with few things changing, Margaret gave me an ultimatum: either I go with her for marriage counseling or she was leaving.

When I saw she was serious, I responded.

For twelve months, every two weeks we drove 90 miles to the Baptist associational office in Meridian, Mississippi, to sit with Dr. Jack Follis, our counselor. (Jack was a Th.D. graduate of New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary and a chaplain at East Mississippi State Hospital in Meridian, and a great friend.)

Counseling was awful, counseling was wonderful. Sometimes we dug into ancient hurts and slights, sometimes we fussed, sometimes we cried.

Often, we hugged and forgave each other out of sheer desperation from knowing, as Peter said of the Lord in John 6:68, "To whom (else) shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."

Note to pastors: The longer you wait to go for help, the more drastic the measures required. Nip those conflicts in the bud and your marriage--and your ministry--will be blessed.

7. The "D" word was used in our home, more than a few times.

One of my sons used to say that he and his wife determined the "D-word" would never be uttered inside the walls of their home. I was so obtuse I had to ask what word is that. "Divorce."

We used it. At first, in those early years, it was Margaret who would threaten to divorce me. This was a frightening thought, I will admit, since--particularly in the 1960s and 1970s--a divorced Baptist preacher was out of the ministry altogether.

At one point, and one point only, I threatened divorce. And an interesting thing happened.

I honestly had thought that since Margaret had often mentioned divorce as a possibility, when I suggested it that she would jump for it. Instead, the opposite happened. I can remember her words to me as though she said them last night:

"Marrying me was the best thing you ever did, mister. And divorcing me would be the worst. I am somebody. If you walk away, I promise that you will look back and regret it the rest of your life."

She will tell you that was God speaking through her, that she hardly remembers saying that. It was the last thing I expected, but precisely what I needed to hear.

Note to pastors: Whether you use the 'D' word or note, be realistic. Your marriage is not immune to anything just because you are called of God. If anything, it is subject to more temptation, more stress, and more problems.

8. We did not tell the next church about our marital struggles.

When we moved to the next church (from the 12-year-pastorate where we had had the near meltdown and gone through the year of counseling), we were glad to close the door on that difficult and painful period and go forward.

The problem is, Satan wanted to use this against us.

In the next assignment--a well-known and historic congregation which we mistakenly expected to be the church of our dreams--we came up against a few people who were determined to undermine us, find all the skeletons in our closet, and use them to uproot us from that ministry. (Looking back, I still find this amazing that so-called Christian people would do such.)

Now, the Southern Baptist Convention's Office of Communication had interviewed us for their "marriage and family" issue of Facts and Trends magazine (May, 1981), and had told the story of our marital problems, the subsequent counseling, and the way God had restored our home. We received the interviewer into our home for two full days and willingly cooperated in every way for the article.

But now, five years later in another church in a different state, a self-appointed sleuth found out about that article. Unable to get his hands on a copy and unwilling to ask me about it, he decided that someone had done a National Enquirer type piece on us, had found some kind of scandal, and so spread that word. We became the target of a campaign of gossip.

We ended up staying at that church only 3 years before coming to Kenner (metro New Orleans) for the last 22 years. As we were leaving that church, I asked a friend, "Had you heard the rumor about Margaret and me being divorced?" He had. I said, "Did it ever occur to you to ask us? After all, she was 19 and I was 22 when we married. How could we be divorced?" He dropped his head and said, "I was afraid of what I would learn."

We could have spared ourselves much of this pain by telling the church up front.

Note to pastors: If there is something in your background that could be used of the devil against you, as much as possible, be transparent up front about it.

9. We did not help others as much as we could have.

There is a perfectionism rampant in the ministry. Unless I'm everything I ought to be in the pulpit, in the study, in my walk with the Lord, in my prayer life, and in my home, I should not speak to certain issues.

Bad, bad wrong.

We should have known on that Monday in March of 1981. The previous night, Margaret and I had taken the full hour of the evening service to share our story about what we called "The Home God Healed." Then, the next morning, the church phone rang off the wall with people scheduled appointments to get help for their marriage. (Columbus, Mississippi had no marriage counselors to speak of then, so it was go-to-the-preacher or nobody.)

They knew we would understand since we had been where they were. And we did understand.

What we seem not to have understood, looking back, is that in order to have an ongoing ministry to troubled (and normally difficult) marriages in the community, it was not necessary for our marriage to be perfect.

I think we felt that people now looked upon us as the shining example of what marriage should be. And it was never that. The struggle for us was constant.

I should have preached on the home more. Margaret and I should have worked up presentations to help marriages, parents, and homes more than we did. We had more to offer than we knew.

Note to pastors: Do not fall into the perfectionism trap. If God required helpers to be perfect, you would not be allowed to preach Sunday.

10. We were not as honest with ourselves and others as we should have been.

(I called Margaret at home and read the first 9 "mistakes" to her. She agreed with each one. I asked, "What's the tenth?" She said, "We should have been more honest and transparent with ourselves and with others." She agrees that we felt because our marriage was far less than perfect, we were unqualified to give others the help they needed. She added, "I think we were ashamed."

Ashamed. I remember that.

In fact, after the "Facts and Trends" article on our marriage appeared in May 1981, a number of state Baptist papers and a few secular dailies ran it. Even the Houston Chronicle ran a feature. Somewhere in a file in this office are the forty or more letters we received in response. A couple of them said our story had saved their marriage. But not all.

One person told us a preacher (whom he did not name) said, "Joe and Margaret should not have gone public with that story. This sort of thing reflects poorly on the gospel."

If you know anything about the frailties of the human heart, you will agree that that one negative comment weighed more heavily on us than the forty positive letters. Such is the condition of the insecure and selfish heart.

I wish we had been bolder, stronger, more courageous.

Note to pastors: If you admit to the congregation that your wife and you have to struggle to get along, you will offend two people. But another hundred will appreciate knowing their pastor is human, will benefit from seeing the transparency, and will be able to pray for you more effectively.

(Continue on to the 10 Things We Got Right in 50 Years of Marriage)

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Recently, when an online magazine sent me an article on "5 signs you're part of an unhealthy church," I eagerly opened it. This subject is dear to my heart.

I am passionate about strong, healthy churches.

The writer's 5 signs were good, as far as they went. No argument with her. I did not leave a comment one way or the other in response.

What I felt, however, is that my experience seems to be of another nature from hers.

First, here are her "5 signs you are part of an unhealthy church."

1) Leadership has no clear vision.

2) Leadership can never be challenged.

3) You are comfortable but never challenged.

4) Members are content with being pew warmers.

5) Outreach is never planned or preached.

All of these are true. But there is so much more.

Here are 10 additional signs (evidences, indications) that the church to which you belong is unhealthy.

1. Prayer, if offered at all, is a formality, an afterthought, a burden.

Recently, while spending a long weekend with a group of pastors and their wives at a retreat in Italy, I was struck by something strange. By the time I got up to speak, the service--by then a half-hour long--had experienced at least five prayers. The worship leader had followed a couple of songs with prayer, the presiding leader had prayed, and at least two more people with roles in the service had prayed. Each prayer had been spontaneous, heartfelt, and a joy. I knew then we were in for a rich time of Christian fellowship.

On the other hand, it pains me to remember the Sunday morning worship services where I was the guest preacher and noticed that by the time I stood to preach, not a single prayer--not one!--had been offered.

There is no more accurate indicator of a Christian's spirituality or a church's health than the vitality of our prayer life.

2. Giving stems from duty and is never a joy.

"God loves a hilarious giver," we're told in II Corinthians 9:7.

When David was receiving the offering to build the original temple, he was so impressed by the joyful spirit of the givers. Scripture says, "Then the people rejoiced for they had offered willingly, because with a loyal heart they had offered willingly to the Lord, and King David also rejoiced greatly" (I Chronicles 29:9).

....not grudgingly or of necessity, for God loves a cheerful giver. (II Cor. 9:7)

3. Laughter is rare, and when present at all, forced and quickly stifled.

Someone asked a friend of mine, "Do you think Jesus ever laughed? The Bible doesn't say He did." My buddy's answer is as good as it gets: "I don't know whether he laughed or not. But He sure fixed me up so I could!"

We are "fixed up to laugh," Christian. Joy is the very atmosphere of the Throne room of Heaven (Psalm 16:11) and laughter is nothing but audible joy.

The preacher who thinks he has to tell jokes to elicit laughter from his people is missing the point. The difference in that kind of provoked joy and the natural joy that arises from the hearts of happy worshipers is the difference in night and day.

4. When church ends, everyone scatters.

I said to a pastor where I had just preached, "Close your eyes and listen. That's the sound of fellowship." By then, the service had been over a full half-hour, but his people had hung around, visiting with one another.

There are fewer greater compliments to give to a church than that: the members love each other and cannot wait to get together. "By this all men will know you are my disciples," our Lord said, "that you love one another" (John 13:34-35).

5. When a leader calls for volunteers, he gets few responses.

I love the little line uttered by the warrior queen Deborah after the victory over the Canaanites. "That the leaders led in Israel, and that the people volunteered, O bless the Lord!" (Judges 5:2)

Leaders can lead, but if no one is following, they're only taking a walk. It takes both strong leaders of courage and vision, commitment and strength, and volunteers from among the Lord's people who will step up to go the second mile, do a little more than previously, exert themself for the success of the work.

The congregation that is forced to rely on the same few overworked volunteers is on life-support.

6. When conflict arises, leaders ignore it, push the panic button, or jump ship.

A sick church will go to one extreme or the other: it will panic at any conflict, thinking this will be the final death-stroke, or it will be constantly beset by conflict, like a sickly body experiencing one illness after another.

Stand in awe at the healthy way the Jerusalem church leaders dealt with the conflict of Acts 6 that had erupted. Both leaders and members reacted so quickly and faithfully that outsiders were impressed. Then the Word of God spread, and the number of disciples multiplied greatly in Jerusalem, and a great many of the priests were obedient to the faith.

George Bullard has written a book and leads conferences, both with the intriguing title, "Every church needs a little conflict."

A healthy church will often have growing pains, will regularly be attacked by the enemy, and will always have to be ready to deal with problems from inside and out. (see Acts 20:29-30)

7. Even the leaders have a poor understanding of Scripture.

A working knowledge of God's Word is like the underpinning of a house; it may not be the first thing you notice, but everything about the dwelling will be influenced by that strong foundation.

My mother, almost 96 now, has gone to church all her life. However, no one ever taught her how to study God's Word. She reads her Bible and marks it up, I'm happy to report. But one day she told me, "I just let it fall open and read there. It always seems to work out."

Now, I am not going to rebuke my wonderful mom. However, that is no way to study the Bible. One has to wonder how it would have been if decades ago, some faithful pastor had set down with the members of our rural Baptist church and taught them to focus in on one book of the Bible at the time, how to read it repeatedly until its teachings were understood and assimilated into life, and then to move on to another book. What if he had taken the time to teach members the grand sweep of Scripture, so they understood the differences in the Old and New Testaments' doctrine, the difference in gospels and epistles, and where the various epistles fit in the larger framework.

"I don't know what the Bible teaches on that," a woman said to me, "but I know what I believe!"

I said, "Then, you have just ended the discussion. Because I honestly thought we were trying to find what the Bible teaches. If this is about what you believe and nothing more, then, I suppose we're through her."

As one who had never been taught the Word, but who had had it ingrained into her the importance of standing up for her convictions, she failed to see the difference.

Pity the church with leaders who have similar poor working knowledge of God's Word.

8. Jesus is rarely mentioned. It's all about "God."

Those who know the Word cannot get around the prominence Jesus Christ receives throughout. Scripture says, "In Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily" (Colossians 2:9). And, "He is the visible image of the invisible God" (Colossians 1:15).

As John Bisagno says, "Jesus Christ is everything God has to say about Himself." Jesus said, "He who has seen me has seen the Father" (John 14:9), and "When the Holy Spirit comes... He will testify of Me" (John 15:26).

I confess to being amazed sometimes at the way Christians speak of serving God, living for God, etc., while leaving Jesus out of it. The early believers were persecuted, not for preaching about God, but but speaking of Jesus. (Acts 4:18) Had they been silent about Jesus, there would have been no persecution.

A church I know that has long had a vital and effective ministry has as its slogan, "Making Much of Jesus." Not a bad mission statement.

9. No one hears about salvation, no one gets saved, the baptistry is dry.

Growing up on our Alabama farm, we had a pear orchard in the back yard. Across on the next ridge, my grandfather had a large apple orchard. Scattered throughout were peach trees. They all had one big thing in common: healthy trees were always producing delicious and abundant fruit. Healthy fruit.

If the tree was barren or the fruit diseased, it was a dead giveaway that the tree was in trouble.

This is not to say that all churches taking in large numbers of new members and baptizing many hundreds are automatically proven healthy. Unfortunately, one can use gimmicks to get people to join a church and manipulate them to be baptized. I say to our shame that many churches resort to this rather than trod the hard road of building a healthy church.

I chose and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain.... (John 15:16).

10. Neither the members nor the leaders are willing to pay the price to make the church healthy.

Going from death-bed to health requires sacrifice, commitment, work, and often pain. It will require the patient to make wholesale changes, to submit to the oversight of medical professionals who know more than the diseased patient and know what to prescribe. It will require a willingness to die to self.

That's why a truly sick-unto-death church would rather die than live. In order to be healthy, they would have to stop their self-destructive ways, retire some unhealthy leaders, and become a kind of church they have not been in years, if ever.

Right at this moment, I can take you to a half-dozen churches that are dying and which have rejected the good counsel of friends who told them what it would take to be well. It was for good reason our Lord asked the man at the pool of Bethesda, "Do you want to be well?" (John 5:6). Not everyone does.

The good news, however, is that I know an equal number of small formerly-dying churches which have welcomed in new outside leadership and put themselves completely in their hands. These specialists are making wholesale changes--beginning with renaming the church altogether--and none of this is taking place without pain.

It's good for all of us, members and leaders alike, to remind ourselves every day of our lives of three things:

--This is the Lord's church. He died for it, I didn't. (Matthew 16:18)

--The only question is "What does He want done with His church?" (Acts 9:6)

--Whatever I do for the church, good or bad, Jesus takes personally. (Acts 9:3,5; Matthew 25:40,45).