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The issue: Who do we really want to be?

A few months ago I was at an event speaking and I had several women come up to me and say, “I have never heard of you!” While my initial reaction could have been, “Gee, thanks,” I actually breathed a sigh of relief and my heart whispered, “Good.”

I have changed… so much.

I often find myself glancing in the mirror wondering, “Who is this girl?”

This is not a bad change, my friend, but it’s been a painful change. One that has required a lot of soul-searching and a realization of who I am and more importantly who I am not.

There’s a revelation coming to full-circle in my soul, one that I’m not willing to compromise for anything anymore:

I’d rather be an authentic nobody than a cheap knock-off of a somebody.

Perhaps, for the first time in my life, I’m beginning to understand who God has created me to be.

Lost.

I’ve felt that way for months. Wandering towards a Savior but on such a misleading path. And today I am so grateful that Truth has grabbed me, shaken me and not allowed me to not remain the same. I am incredibly grateful I hardly recognize that girl in the mirror anymore.

I pray I never discount this ever-evolving realization again.

“So if you’re serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don’t shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you.” – Colossians 3:1 [MSG]

While it may not always seem so, there is a constant direction on this path of life. Colossians 3:1 describes this direction with specific instructions:

-I do want to be serious about this defining place.

-I do want to pursue the things of Jesus.

-And I do not want my eyes to be so focused on me that I cannot see what God is doing.

I want to be an authentic nobody because it fully allows Jesus to be the only somebody in me.

I think this means I can finally embrace the dreams, plans and visions God has given me. Because when we aren’t willing to compromise who we are anymore, we finally have the ability to stay true to who God has designed us to be.

Perhaps you have already discovered this. These words aren’t anything new, fresh or unheard of. But maybe today there is just one other person struggling through this same journey. As I process this, I invite you to join me.

Who do we really want to be?

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After school the other day, one of my girls climbed into the car and exploded with emotion.

For a few minutes I tried to make out the jumbled words through her distraught tears. Finally, I was able to understand what exactly was going on…

She had blown it.

A friend said something hurtful to her and so… she charged back with some angry words.

At the moment, everything felt right. Her strong choice of words and tone brought some immediate resolution to the situation: the girl left her alone. But later that day when she wanted to play with her friend again, the girl wanted nothing to do with her.

She was now left in the place of dealing with the consequences of those words: a relationship that felt ruined.

My daughter is in the midst of learning a [valuable] life lesson…

Words are the vessels that hold the ability to speak life or death to someone.

I wish I could tell my little girl eventually this life lesson will be learned and kind, gentle words are more easily spoken when we are hurt. But as a grown woman, I often find myself struggling through moments of “intense fellowship” and the choice words that come out of my mouth.

Lately, I have been coming to an understanding that if those unkind, hurtful words come out of my mouth… they have somehow been in my soul.

Ouch.

It is often the greatest depths of us that bring out the worst.

As I think through all the places of pain I hold in my soul: resentment, anger, bitterness, distrust… I am reminded how hurt will always be a portion of life. Yet somehow we must find the strength to not allow these heavy places to ruin our spoken and unspoken words.

The truth is, there is nothing more beautiful than deciding to make peace with our words.

For me, peace begins in the deepest place of my soul, with a fresh simple revelation of just how much Jesus loves this sometimes very broken-down girl. {John 3:16}

As I begin to grasp His love more, I am able to love through my words… even when hurt.

I don’t know if you ever feel like my little girl, ruined because of words. I have been there, more times than I’d like to admit. But perhaps today by admitting our struggles we will be on our first step towards peace.  

“Be cheerful. Keep things in good repair. Keep your spirits up. Think in harmony. Be agreeable. Do all that, and the God of love and peace will be with you for sure.” – 2 Corinthians 13:11 [MSG] 

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I am a fan of exciting plans. I love to dream big and plan bigger.

But have you ever planned for weeks, pump yourself up and then… boom… everything falls apart?

If so, you too may have been a victim of the PFP [plans failed plague].

It stinks and makes you feel awful. And sometimes because life seems to bring so many failed plans, my soul dwells in these don’t-even-get-my-hopes-up-again thoughts.

The PFP is a little raw on my soul today. But, I’m finding comfort in this verse:

“God can do anything, you know — far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.” -Ephesians 3:20

According this verse, God can do anything. More than we could request in our wildest dreams. But when God does it, it’s not pushy. It’s like a gentle nudge.

I think a common reaction when our plans fail is to think God has somehow forgotten us. While my soul screams the truth that God never says, “Oh whoops… let that one slide, sorry Nicki!” my heart feels different.

How do we keep going? How do we keep planning? How do we keep dreaming?

When it just all never seems to work out?

I don’t have the answers to these questions today. I just know that even when we don’t want to get our hopes up again, God has not forgotten the deepest desires of our souls.

We have to keep trusting. We have to keep trying. And we have to keep going…

In Jesus, we are free. Free to question and free to doubt – but also free to trust and free to believe.

Trusting is gentle and takes time to understand. There’s a deep place in the corner of our souls where we go and decide, I will trust.

Our plans will fail, our dreams may feel like they are dying but may we remember how limited our sight is compared to what God has for us. We have to keep dreaming our wild dreams, doing what we can do and trusting God for what only He can do.  

So today I’m challenged to get rid of all my excuses that discount the power of God…

“I’m just not good enough.”

“This is too hard.”

“It didn’t work last time, so why try again?”

God’s never quit on me and that’s more than enough reason to keep going today. My plans may fail but my God, He never will...

Hold on to what is good, even if it’s a handful of earth.

Hold on to what you believe, even if it’s a tree that stands by itself.

Hold on to what you must do, even if it’s a long way from here.

Hold on to your faith, even if it’s easier to let go.

Hold on to God’s hand.

-Anonymous

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Speaking to moms groups is something I love to do. And yesterday morning I was so excited to be bringing my favorite topic:Taming the Family Zoo, to a local moms group. It’s a talk based on the book by Jim and Suzzette Brawner, which I highly recommend.

But in typical speaking-engagement-morning style, my house was a… zoo.

“Mommy! I can’t find my homework.”

“I don’t like this bread, its nasty!”

Ring... ring... ring, “Mrs. Koziarz, your daughter just walked into school and she is sick, you may need to come get her.”

Running a little behind because of the chaos, I quickly debated about whether or not it was fashion appropriate to wear white or brown shoes. Since its full-blown spring around here, I opted for the white.

Now, I love my white shoes because they give a whole ‘nother 2 inches to this vertically challenged body. But this was the first time I’d worn them since last summer and as I climbed into my car I remembered the complexity of these white shoes.

One must walk slow and gracefully in the white shoes.

I got to the church parking lot and started to walk towards the entrance. Unfortunately, I stepped into a giant puddle of water so I tried to shake my shoes dry. They were still pretty wet but the meeting was about to start so I headed in the doors.

But then, my white shoes failed me like never before…

As soon as I walked into the room I glided, slipped and fell flat on my face.

And y’all, this was no graceful fall. It was awkward, loud and everyone in the room saw it.

Awesomeness.

I was either about to laugh hysterically or have a big dramatic cry. Truthfully, in that moment I wanted the earth to swallow me whole.

You can [painfully] imagine how my confidence was a little shaken.

When confidence feels far away, it can be so hard to complete the task set before us.

Maybe its an unkind word from a friend, budgets that don’t add up with dreams, or even falling flat on our face… confidence can be lost in many ways.

But when we move our confidence to a commitment, we are choosing to stay with Jesus and His plans, no matter what. We don’t have to feel confident to be confident.

I’m learning confidence in Him isn’t so much about our reaction as it is our response. And sometimes God will teach us this Truth in our greatest moments of weakness.

We can be confident because God says:

You are chosen. {Psalm 139: 13-15}

You are equipped. {Isaiah 45:5}

You are able. {Philippians 3:3}

As we line our thoughts, emotions and even embarrassing circumstances up with this Truth, we will experience the power of Jesus in us and through us to complete whatever is in front of us.

So today remember, you can do what you are here to do because the same power that conquered the grave lives in you. Run hard with this confidence in Him and commit to finish no matter what.

And my white shoes? They will be quickly transitioning to a new home at the Goodwill. :)

What about you? Today I’d love to hear about your journey. Leave a comment and share how God is shaping your confidence.