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Don’t blame my wife. She thought she could trust me.

She went on an out-of-town trip with her sister, leaving me in charge of our two boys and Kayla, her sister’s daughter.

It was a Saturday afternoon, an important time in my work week because, depending on my work load, I sometimes shut everything down and listen to A Prairie Home Companion, awaiting its highlight, The News from Lake Wobegon.

While enveloped in the show, my son Garrett, who was around 10 years old then, burst into my office to tell me that he and Kayla “called 991!” 

“Funny pal,” I said. “I’m listening to The News from Lake Wobegon. It’s almost over. Scoot.”

A few minutes later, he burst in again and said the same thing.

“Right pal. See you,” I said.

I joke around a lot with my kids. Like a lot of men, I tease the ones I love. So I thought Garrett was giving me what I’ve given him throughout the years: a tall tale.

But he really goofed this one up. “It’s 911--not 991” I said to myself. 

The News from Lake Wobegon ended, and like all good performances, left me wanting more. I left my office, noticed the front door was wide open and walked out it, wondering what was up.

On our patchy green and brown front lawn, under our enormous cedar tree, sat our other son, Elliot. He was about 12 then and for reasons I still don’t know, was crying.

“What’s up pal?” I asked. And then, out of the corner of my right eye, I saw something blue move in the bushes under our large tree.

“Sir, is everything okay!?” came a stern voice, a mixture of inquiry and command. It was a female police office, staring at me with her right hand over her loaded pistol.

I remained very, very still, which is my policy around someone with their hand on their pistol and who can probably shoot the eye out of a squirrel at 30 paces.

“Oh,” I said, stunned and still as a mime. “I think I know what this is about. Garrett! Come out here and talk to this officer!”  

Turns out Garrett and his older cousin called 911--five times then hung up! I’m pretty sure Kayla put him up to it. The joke was no longer a laughing matter. I can only imagine what that police officer thought, with a crying kid on the front yard and all, and how domestic violence is one of the most volatile calls an officer can receive.

She opened a can of Jesus on my little boy. She really gave it to him at first. And there was a part of me that wanted to run interference and lessen her blow. But going against the over-parenting trend today (especially in church) that’s creating a generation of spiritual veal, I let it ride. 

“This is good for him,” I told myself. “It’s hurting him, but it’s not harming him,” I reminded myself. “This is correction, not abuse.”

Garrett learned through the minister of pain about one of the many hard-edged realities of life, about the abrasive and sometimes emotionally bloody connection between cause and effect. That when you mess with a bull--sometimes you get the horn. That when you don’t have enough courage to say “No,” you often end of saying yes to the ill-guided plots and plans of others. That when you sow foolishness, you reap a mangled mess of painful emotions, embarrassment being just one. 

I have coached too many boys whose parents, mostly mothers, sheltered them from the necessary bumps and bruises of this R-Rated life. Following a wimpy caricature of Jesus found in too many sequestering sermons, such parents weren’t sheltering their children from abuse, which harms, but from the the very experiences they need to become men, which emasculates and which puts sand in their character, creating ballast through the storms of life.

Sometimes correction, even stern and indignant correction, is one of the greatest expressions of muscular love that our children can possess. It blesses. It gives our children the gift of objectivity, helping them see themselves as the world sees them, not as their adoring and often tunnel-visioned parents think they should be seen. It feels awful, even brutal at times, but it’s clarifying. Such is the path of sobriety that can help us get to the abundant life God has for us.

Garrett passed through a painful and hurtful portal that warm Saturday afternoon thanks to a woman veiled in blue and who played the role of a secular angel. She hit my boy with a bolt of invisible soul lightning, maturing him, disciplining him, helping him know that he can take a punch, stagger, and keep going, moving him closer to that hallowed state of being that is part-nature, part-manufactured through the tribulations of real life: Manhood. 

This post is part of the Rite of Passage Blog Tour. You can read more entries by other authors at http://riteofpassageblogtour.weebly.com/. Additionally, for more ideas on how to hold a ceremony for your son, check out Jim McBride’s new book, Rite of Passage: a Father’s Blessing, by Moody Publishers, on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Rite-Passage-Blessing-Jim-McBride/dp/0802458807/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1316022959&sr=8-1. 

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It’s challenging to look at what’s really behind the plastic, passive niceness that passes for Christianity in many women’s lives, and then to boldly choose to be authentic instead.  But, as you’ve seen, that’s the only way to truly experience the abundant life Jesus promises in John 10:10.  You are in the driver’s seat, ready to roll, but before your drive out of sight, here are a few reminders for the road:

1. Know where you are headed.  For all of God’s Good Women, the destination is the same: being like Jesus Christ, in all his glorious 360 degrees of salty sweetness.  In order to keep this destination clear in your mind, you will have to get to know Jesus better and better so that you recognize who he is and where he is at work.  Prayer and getting involved in a Bible study are great ways to get to know Jesus better, along with regularly worshiping and fellowshipping with other believers.  Just make sure that you are doing these spiritual disciplines to get to know Jesus better, not to earn God’s approval or love.  God already loves you—it’s a done deal—so you don’t have to earn his love.

Be aware that when you reveal your destination to others, they may not like where you are headed.  Some will even point you in a different direction, back toward where you came from.  These people think they are giving you helpful directions, but in reality, they want you to go back to being a Christian Nice Girl because God’s Good Women make them uncomfortable.  Just thank them for their interest, and ignore their directions that will take you to the backside of nowhere, also known as Nice Girl City.

1. Pack only what you will need.  God’s Good Women don’t want to travel with too much junk in their trunk, so pack the essentials and leave the rest behind.  Your first essential: courage, which means you’ll have to leave behind the cowardice.

Courage grows when you act in spite of your fear.  You actually can’t be courageous unless you feel fear.  So to grow your courage, be aware of your anxiety and then discipline yourself to listen to the Holy Spirit saying, “Something is at stake here that is more important than your fear.”  A courageous spirit us a mark of the Holy Spirit: “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7).  Power and strength are nearly synonymous with courage, so God actually gives you a spirit of courageous strength.

Here are some Scriptures that are worth packing if you could use a whole trunk full of courage:

“Be strong and very courageous” (Joshua 1:7).

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).

“Be on guard.  Stand firm in the faith.  Be courageous.  Be strong” (I Corinthians 16:13 NLT).

To handle your newfound courage well, you need to be aware of rashness, or stupid courage.  Rashness is when you do something daring but dumb—you acted without wisdom.  The Bible says to do the right thing when it’s within your power to act.  Sometimes you won’t have the power to change a situation for the better.  For example, in some extended family situations, it might be best not to speak the truth in love.  When your motive for holding your tongue or not acting is based on wisdom, not fear, you are choosing an intelligent behavior called “active passivity,” such as when you choose to give an armed robber your purse instead of foolishly refusing.

In addition to courage, you’ll need to pack a sense of humor.  You need to be able to laugh at yourself because you are going to make some mistakes along the way, some of which will be doozies.  However, don’t hide them, because often your best life lessons will come out of your biggest mistakes, and your silliest mistakes will produce your funniest stories.

Packing that essential sense of humor means you will have to leave behind your need to appear perfect, and instead, be appropriately transparent with others.  It takes practice to find that balance between hiding everything and sharing too much, so be patient with yourself as you practice healthy transparency.  Occasionally, ask a trusted friend for feedback on whether you are hiding too much or sharing too much so that you can monitor your progress.

1. Choose your travel companions wisely.  God’s Good Women rarely journey alone for long, so pick carefully who gets to ride next to you.  Spiritually mature people should be occupying your passenger seat because when the driver gets lost, who does the navigating?  That’s right, it’s the person riding shotgun.  You want people nearby who can read a map—in particular, people who read and understand The Map, also known as the Bible.  You want people who know the Way.  If they don’t, they won’t recognize your destination, the 360-degree Jesus, so they are likely to direct you right back to Nice Girl City.  And who wants to go back to that saccharine-sweet place?

It takes time to find and cultivate relationships with spiritually mature people, but they are out there.  Look for women who speak the truth in love, laugh easily at themselves, talk openly about their faith, are trailblazers in their own lives, and can both celebrate and cry with other people.  You are looking for Balcony Women: women who will cheer you on and give you courage and confidence by hanging over the railing of your life, declaring, “I believe in you!  You can do it!”

My wife Sandy knows how crucial Balcony Women are to God’s Good Women.  She created what she calls “Balcony Girls,” a group of around twelve elementary-school-aged girls who get together once a month to do a craft, eat some fun food, and learn valuable life lessons.  Balcony Girls groups help girls form a group of friends at school who can help them withstand damaging peer pressure or bullying.  They can learn easily in life how to grow into Balcony Women, the kind of women who genuinely love and support each other.  Your journey will be much more energizing and fun if you have a Balcony Woman buckled in your passenger seat.

Now, sometimes you can’t avoid traveling with “getting there” people in your backseat, perhaps because God has clearly told you to let them ride with you for awhile or perhaps because…well…you gave birth to them or are related to them in some way.  So, there they are—occasionally providing you with spiritually stimulating conversation and occasionally fussing and whining like kids stuck in a station wagon backseat.  “Are we there yet?  When are you going to stop changing?  I liked you better when you were nicer.  I need you: to help me right this minute, to do my work, to lend me money, to listen to my endless complaining, and (of course) I need to go to the bathroom.”

If pulling over and putting them all out on the side of the road is not a legal option in your state, then you’ll have to set boundaries on what is and what is not acceptable behavior in your car, that is, your life.  You have to set limits with “getting there” people, or they will tend to take increasingly large amounts of the energy, time, money, and talent God gave you to accomplish his purposes.

If some of them are backseat drivers who enjoy criticizing your every move, feel free to “turn up the radio” to drown out their discouraging words.  This means that you distract yourself from truly hearing and taking in their unhelpful criticisms, perhaps by determinedly changing the subject, or by reciting scriptural truths or singing praise songs in your mind to counteract their negative words.  It’s almost like you become the limo driver behind the glass partition—you can lower the glass when you want to listen, and raise it when you don’t.  You’ll see their lips moving, but you won’t really hear them.

Beware of picking up hitchhikers.  They are the “spiritually immature,” the shark-like Mr. Wrongs, the selfish users of this world who want to flag you down and hijack your life.  They will do everything in their power to convince or coerce you to go back to Nice Girl City.  Why?  Because you were much easier to manipulate back there.

1. Don’t turn back just because difficulties occur.  It’s impossible to drive for any length of time and not run into road hazards.  The same is true for your journey to becoming god’s Good woman.  You are going to encounter difficulties.  Expect construction delays because major changes are happening—you are under construction, becoming more like the 360-degree jesus.  You can expect other drivers to frown and complain if your new construction causes them even a moment of inconvenience.  And, you’ll get some rubbernecking too.  Some drivers like to slow down and stare as other people work hard, so try not to let the occasional shocked look or swiveled head keep you from your work.

Your road hazards may be sudden, jarring potholes that rattle your spirit, like unkind words or deeds that come from unexpected sources, even friends.  In Psalm 55:12-14, David shares how this shook him:

If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him.  But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

It really hurts when your friends (particularly Christian friends) unfairly criticize your efforts to become a healthier, more Christ-like woman.  But don’t let your hurt stop your journey.  Keep moving toward your destination.

Sometimes you have to pass slow-moving traffic, just like you might have to pass some of your friends who choose to stay spiritually immature.  Outgrowing friends is never easy, but it’s going to happy when you choose to grow and they choose to stagnate.  You are changing, becoming more like sweet and salty Jesus, and they aren’t.  You now value the truth—they don’t want to hear it.  You now make pleasing God your first priority—they want pleasing others to remain your first priority.  Gradually, sadly, you just have less and less in common.  Keep praying for them, but when God lets you know it’s time to move on—move on.

This means that you may have some lonely times on the road to becoming God’s Good Woman.  It’s like when you are driving at night on a crowded highway, and then you slowly pass the pack of cars that surrounds you.  Then, before you know it, you are driving in the dark, seemingly alone, with no headlights in your rearview mirror, and no taillights up ahead.  It’s kind of scary to suddenly find yourself alone, but keep your foot on the courage accelerator.  There are spiritually mature people up ahead who will become your traveling companions and who will match your spiritual pace.

1. Check for the blue lights before you pull over for the police.  Not everyone who pulls you over for a supposed violation on the God’s Good Woman journey is actually legitimate.  You are human, you are going to make mistakes, and sometimes you are going to need a correction to get you back on track.  If one of God’s Good Women or Men gives you a needed rebuke, they won’t yell at you or shame you.  It’s like when a legitimate police officer pulls you over—they won’t disrespect or attack you even if you really messed up.

I have had my share of blue-light-in-the-rearview-mirror moments.  In college, I was a waiter at a Hilton hotel and showed up very late for work several times in a row due to school obligations.  My supervisor’s boss, a woman who knew how to be both firm and caring, called me into her office.  She had dealt with many college students before: stressed out, living from paycheck to paycheck, struggling to make it on their own.  I can’t remember the exact words she used, but I do remember how she didn’t belittle or shame me.  She didn’t brush my tardiness under the rug, nor did she rub my nose in it.  Instead, she did an outstanding job of making my tardiness the problem—not me—and she used the meeting to show me that she cared about my larger dreams and aspirations.  I walked out of her office thinking, “This is very strange.  I should feel hurt after being corrected by someone.  But instead I feel…good.”  I was blessed by this rebuke from one of God’s Good Women who knew she could treat others well as she advanced up the company ladder.

When someone attempts to correct or rebuke you, always check for the blue lights because there are Self-Appointed Deputies of all That is Wrong in the Throng (they are called SADTWITs for short) who will try to pull you over on your journey and give you a citation.  They enjoy pointing out other people’s mistakes, real and imaginary.  It’s their hobby.  And unlike the legitimate police officers that God will send your way to deliver a respectful rebuke, the pretend police hand over their citations with a side order of shame, disrespect, and condemnation.  You don’t have to accept these harmful rebukes.  You can ignore their words, change the subject, or even say, I do not receive that from you.”

By now you may be chomping at the bit to get in the car and go, but do you have time for one more list?  It proclaims the freedoms that are available to drivers on God’s Good Woman Road.  You might even want to copy these freedoms and tape them to your dashboard or to someone’s forehead for quick reference.

A driver has the freedom to pick who rides shotgun with her.  As long as the relationships are beneficial and in line with God’s Word, you have the freedom to associate with people of your choice.

A driver has the freedom to say when she needs a break.  Some women find it near impossible to rest because they equate taking a break with being selfish.  But Jesus sequestered himself from others to get some much needed rest and refreshment.  Drivers who push themselves too hard for too long become a hazard to others.  You have the freedom (and the responsibility) to rest.  So, take a nap.

A driver has the freedom to choose the radio station.  You are free to ask for and choose what you enjoy and what brings you pleasure, as long as those choices are beneficial and in line with God’s Word, and you have listened respectfully to and considered prayerfully what others need (not to be mistaken with what others usually want). 

A driver has the freedom to change lanes or take an alternate route.  You have the freedom to change your mind as long as those decisions are beneficial, in line with God’s Word, and don’t permanently harm the people around you.  The decisions you make about your life might hurt other people, but remember, there is a difference between causing someone necessary hurt and causing someone permanent harm.  If you suddenly change lanes to avoid an accident, your wise swerve could cause your passengers some necessary hurt, but it would be far worse to stay in that lane and foolishly cause them lasting harm.

For example, a woman might find herself continually overwhelmed, short-tempered, and sharp-tongued because of the competing demands of marriage, motherhood, working outside the home, volunteering at church or school, and running a home.  If she stays in that same fast lane, she may end up doing permanent harm to her health and her relationships.  She has the freedom (after consulting with god and her family) to change lanes—to make helpful changes in her life such as reducing her number of work hours/stepping completely out of the workforce/hiring a cleaning person/getting off a committee in order to reduce her stress and improve her mood and relationships.  This choice may cause hurt temporarily to her workplace or family budget, but it’s unlikely to cause permanent damage (harm).  On the other hand, if the same overwhelmed woman chose to abandon her family in order to reduce he stress, her unwise choice would permanently harm her husband and kids.

A driver has the freedom to grow spiritually.  This freedom, also a responsibility, allows a change in Bible study teachers, denominations, or churches without finger pointing or apology.

A driver has the freedom to say no.  You are free to say no to an unfair, disrespectful, or dishonest request for your time, talent, or treasure, without an apology or long explanation on your part.

A driver has the freedom not to answer every question.  You have the freedom not to provide an answer to every question that comes your way.  Jesus didn’t answer every question posed to him, and you don’t have to either.

When you have left Nice Girl City far behind and are moving into God’s Good woman territory, you’ll notice a distinct change in landscape and atmosphere.  You won’t walk on eggshells anymore, emotionally or spiritually.  There’s a kind of spiritual ease that will tell you that you are moving in the right direction.  You’ll have room to stretch and grow, or as Oswald Chambers said, “…when God elevates you by his grace into heavenly places, instead of finding a pinnacle to cling to, you find a great tableland where it is easy to move.”

So, what are you waiting for?  You’ve got a journey to get started!  Crank up the radio—hey, that’s Rascal Flatts playing your new theme song: “Life is a Highway.”  Roll down the window.  Feel the breeze in your hair.  And smile…a genuine smile that comes from your heart.  Feels good, doesn’t it?

Paul Coughlin is the author of numerous books, including Unleashing Courageous Faith, No More Christian Nice Guy and No More Jellyfish, Chickens or Wimps. He also co-authored a book for married couples with his wife Sandy, titled Married But Not Engaged. Paul is founder of The Protectors, the values-based and faith-based answer to adolescent bullying, which provides curriculum for public schools, private schools, retreats, and individuals who want to diminish child-based bullying. 

Visit Paul's websites at: http://www.theprotectors.org, and http://www.paulcoughlin.net

Visit Sandy's website for reluctant entertainers at: http://www.reluctantentertainer.com

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And now, more passive, self-defeating, success-limiting behaviors of Christian Nice Girls:

Sharing too much personal information in an effort to be well-liked.  Women bond by sharing the intimate details of their lives, so they naturally tend to carry this behavior over into work settings.  Because of their strong need for approval, Christian Nice Girls share more than is necessary or wise to connect with others.  This can come back to haunt them when it's time for promotions and raises.  If you have shared with your co-workers intimate details about your marital problems, wayward children, financial difficulties, new job searches, etc., and then are promoted over those same co-workers, you may be unpleasantly surprised at how those secrets are now divulged and discussed by the very people you now have to supervise.  Or your potential raise may be cancelled when your co-worker reveals to your boss that you are considering taking a new job.

In the workplace, it's fine to share some basic personal information, such as your marital status or whether you have children, but note how men often don't share this kind of information right away.  They talk about their qualifications for work, such as college degrees or specialized training, and are friendly toward one another without divulging intimate secrets.  This is shrewd behavior that God's Good Working Women should consider as well, particularly if there is any chance that they might one day be in a supervisory position over their fellow bank tellers/salespeople/administrative assistants

/attorneys, etc.  Remember: 1) you are there to work and produce, not to find your best friend or to endear yourself to the whole workplace; and 2) the 360-degree Jesus didn't share too much personal information and rarely answered a question directly.

Either calling too much attention to or covering up mistakes you make.  This is where fear and perfectionistic worry ambushes a CNG when she makes one error and multiplies it into a much bigger one by either releasing a deluge of information about her mistakes or hiding/denying any wrongdoing like a little girl would.  Her anxiety over not doing things perfectly prevents her from doing the most important thing: Learning from her mistakes and making amends if possible.  Your boss and colleagues know that adults make errors.  They want you to learn from your mistakes—not ruminate upon or hide them—so that you can get back to being productive.

Making knee-jerk decisions in order to relieve anxiety.  When CNGs fear conflict and the tension that accompanies unresolved matters, they are too quick to provide a short-term "answer" to a problem that may cause them long-term difficulties.  And the more cunning people in the workplace know this and will use it against you.  Your hasty, reflex decision is their gain, so they will sometimes spring information on you deliberately.  For example, some co-workers will know about a certain development in the company, but will not tell a CNG about it until it's to their advantage to tell them.  Then they will wait for the right moment to reveal this information and provide an often phony time-lock deadline for a decision from their CNG.  For example, I once had a coworker who asked me to create long lists of contracts for her that she actually needed weeks ago, but kept this fact to herself.  She waited to ask for the list of contacts a day or two before her planned vacation, then said that she didn't have the time to contact he people on the list and asked me to contact them instead.  This way she could make it look like she wanted to do her job but just couldn't.  And this way she could try to portray me as not being a "team player."  To defend yourself against this type of "user" in the workplace, use this handy comeback when you are pressed for an immediate decision: "I'll have to get back to you on that."  This response will give you time to think and pray about your decision, seek more information or wise counsel if necessary, and formulate a professional answer.

Turning down promotions because of fear of cattiness.  Unfortunately, when a woman is promoted, she may experience cattiness from her female co-workers who are now her subordinates and who are uncomfortable with her change in power and status.  It can feel like middle school all over again as she is gossiped about, sabotaged, or shunned.  Some CNGs with a high need to keep everyone happy may find this conflict and rejection so painful that they refuse all promotions or step down as supervisors, severely limiting their professional advancement.  God's Good Working Women accept the promotions they earn, but manage their power and relationships carefully.

Refusing to confront subordinates about problems.  Because of their strong need to be well-liked and their fear of conflict, CNGs who manage other people are regularly taken advantage of by their subordinates.  Routine tardiness, chronic absenteeism, unprofessional behavior with customers, lackadaisical job performance, bad attitudes, unreasonable requests for time off—these often go unchallenged by anxious, pushover CNG managers who avoid necessary confrontations.  Learn from the example of Jesus managing his people.  In John 12, he directly confronted the indignant Judas when he gave Mary of Bethany a hard time about anointing Jesus with an expensive perfume.  In Mark 10, when James and John made an unreasonable request to be honored above the other disciples, Jesus told them flat out that they didn't know what they were asking fro and refused their request.  He didn't let fear of conflict or the fear of being talked about negatively keep him from managing his people effectively.

Now that you've seen which behaviors deserve a pink slip, take a look at these "prospective applicants" for hire.  All of these behaviors will help you become a more productive, truthful woman of integrity in work or volunteer settings.  Pick out the one behavior that seems easiest to implement at your current workplace.  Successfully practicing this new skill will give you more confidence and courage to tackle the others on the list:

Making more independent decisions and then taking responsibility for the consequences—good or bad.  This means that you share the praise or blame, accurately and honestly, with others.  So you accept praise without false humility (pretending that you contributed nothing meaningful is really a lie in disguise) or putting your contributions down ("Thanks, but my part was lame compared to everyone else's contribution.")  This also means that if your decisions failed because someone else didn't do their job, you are free to point out this contributing factor if you are asked to provide an explanation.  Just be sure to speak the truth in love so you don't end up scapegoating someone else.

Taking more calculated risks instead of always playing it safe.  Your life will blossom or shrivel based upon the courage you have to act.  Take smart risks that will require you to confront some fear in your life such as accepting more responsibility or applying for a new position.  Go beyond your job description occasionally to tackle a persistent issue or opportunity.  When your God-given creativity and intuition lead you to recognize problems and solutions that no one else has seen yet, don't play it safe and hide these ideas in a dark closet.  Take a risk—get those ideas out, give them some air, and see what develops.

Trusting your intuition more.  If something doesn't seem right to you, if it raises red flags, then listen to your gut.  Don't listen to the anxious, people-pleasing part that wants you to ignore your intuition and just act nice.  Ask for more information so you can make a wiser, more informed decision.  God gave you a brain, and if you are a Christian, the Holy Spirit—both of which can help you discern truth from fiction.  Trust these gifts.

Setting appropriate boundaries on your time, treasure, and talent.  For CNGs, this almost always means that you should value all three more, not less.  God gave you the three Ts because he wants your life to matter, and he expects you to use them wisely.  This means guarding your time at work and away from work so that you can be productive in all areas of life.  For example, if co-workers are monopolizing your work time talking about their personal problems, it's your job to set a boundary with them.  You can say, "I know that this personal problem is really weighing you down, but I have to get back to work now."  If a chronic time-monopolizer calls at work and asks in a sad voice "Have you got a minute to talk?" God's Good Working Women know that the "minute" will likely turn into thirty minutes, and so they respond with "No, I'm sorry, I don't.  I'm right in the middle of something."  That's not rude, that's the truth.  You are right in the middle of working.

Here are some more examples: if your boss repeatedly expects you to take work home at night or on the weekends, then it's your job to set a boundary around your home time and say "My work load is too much for me to accomplish during regular working hours.  Let's look at my job responsibilities and see which of these may need to be postponed or given to someone else to do."  Or if you are talented in a particular area, let's say graphic design, and your co-workers or boss repeatedly request that you use these talents for non-work-related projects (like designing their family Christmas letter), it's your job to set boundaries around your talent by saying "I'm appreciative that you like my design work, but I'm not able to do personal projects for people on company time" or  "Between the demands of work and home, I don't have any extra time to do personal projects for people"

Adapting to the other person's communication style.  There are two styles of communication: direct (tell it like it is) and indirect (hint, make suggestions, or ask questions about problems).  For example, if a conference room is overheated, a direct communicator (usually male) will say "It's too hot in here" while an indirect communicator (usually female) will ask "Is anyone getting too warm in here?"  Both styles have value, so if you want to work successfully with both sexes, you need to learn to adapt to the communication style of whomever you are speaking with.  This flexibility is hard for CNGs.  They worry that directly "telling it like it is" will offend someone.  As a result, CNGs stick with the indirect style, which is then heard as uncertainty and insecurity by most men—the same men who may decide who gets promoted and who gets passed over because she always sounds unsure to them.

God's Good Working Women flex to the other person's communication style.  So, if you are talking with a direct person, present your ideas in a straightforward, logical manner, but if you are speaking with an indirect person, use a more feeling-oriented, participatory style.  For example, if you are managing a retail store, you could say to your direct communicators, "There is a problem with these clothing displays.  Please look at this photograph from headquarters and make the display match the photo."  Most men speak this way and will respond well to this kind of direct management from either a male or female supervisor.

However, because of the influence of the Nice Girl culture and the high value women place on connections, women typically will resent a female supervisor using that kind of direct communication with them.  It feels too abrupt, like "she's just throwing her weight around."  So, your indirect communicators will respond better to "Hmmm…something doesn't feel right with these clothing displays.  We're supposed to make the display match this photo.  What do you think we should change to make them match up?"  This type of participatory, process-oriented communication will make female employees feel included in the decision-making process and will reaffirm that you value your connection to them.  You will also reduce the chances of catty behavior erupting.  We have encouraged directly speaking the truth in love throughout this book, but when you find yourself having to tell other women what to do, your savviest choice is often to adopt their indirect style.  That's not being manipulative or weak.  That's being smart.

Managing your chips effectively.  It's not your potato chip intake we are referring to here.  As Pat Heim, Susan Murphy, and Susan Golant explain in their book In the Company of Women, everyone "is endowed with a certain number of chips of power—positive attributes or actions—that we constantly exchange with others."  God's Good Working Women (and men) use these chips to manage their power and relationships effectively.  Some examples of chips that you can give and/or receive at work include:

~Encouraging words, including authentic praise and the specifics of what was done well. 

~Supportive words, including genuine empathy for difficult situations.

~Small talk, including asking about family members, pets, recent personal events, etc.

~Sincere compliments on clothing, professional skills, or business sense.

~Sharing personal (but not private) details from your own life.

~Asking for the other person's input, opinion, advice.

~Little gifts, like a cup of coffee.

~Thank you notes.

~Raises and promotions.

~Providing opportunities to: be creative, earn bonuses, work with upper management or key clients, make presentations to supervisors or important customers.

~Mentoring or providing career planning and assistance.

Heim, Murphy, and Golant add that in the workplace "everyone with whom you interact keeps a chip bankbook on you.  All day long you are gaining and losing chips with your direct reports, peers, and higher-ups.  They know where you stand with them at any given moment, and you know where they stand with you…one of the most important rules…is that we always make it equal in the end—that is, if someone tries to take away our chips, we will find a way to even the score.

For example, let's say you teach second grade and share a teacher's aide with three other teachers.  Lately you haven't had time to chat with her for a few minutes each day, and you also haven't asked to see the photos from her daughter's recent wedding.  Don't be surprised if your papers are now the last to be graded by the teacher's aide.  Why?  Because she's making the chips equal in the end.

To manage your relationships in a savvy manner at work, find out who values what kind of chips, and then stockpile those particular types of chips with others who can help you be more productive and successful.  Female co-workers tend to prize "chitchat" chips, but you could end up costing yourself chips if you chat too much with male (or female) co-workers who might not value small talk.  Carefully observe your colleagues to discover their individual chip preferences.  Be sure to include the janitor.  Your boss may control the promotions, but when the heat isn't working in your office, you'll be glad that you have a chip surplus with the maintenance crew.

If this sounds like a game, that's because it is.  Remember how we said earlier that work at times will be a game with winners and losers?  CNGs end up losing at the game of work in part because they expend their energy giving chips to the spiritually immature in their work or volunteer setting instead of learning to be savvy chip managers like God's Good Working Women. 

Paul Coughlin is the author of numerous books, including Unleashing Courageous Faith, No More Christian Nice Guy and No More Jellyfish, Chickens or Wimps. He also co-authored a book for married couples with his wife Sandy, titled Married But Not Engaged. Paul is founder of The Protectors, the values-based and faith-based answer to adolescent bullying, which provides curriculum for public schools, private schools, retreats, and individuals who want to diminish child-based bullying. 

Visit Paul's websites at: http://www.theprotectors.org, and http://www.paulcoughlin.net

Visit Sandy's website for reluctant entertainers at: http://www.reluctantentertainer.com

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If you're considering skipping this article because you don't work outside the home, don't touch that dial!  There's helpful information here for all women who have an occupation, so whether you are occupied with paid work or unpaid work, keep reading.  We'll show you how to work and compete more successfully in a variety of settings.

Did somebody just mention the word compete?  That's not always an easy word for Christian Nice Girls to hear.  In fact, words like competition can trip up a CNG quicker than four-inch stilettos.

Before revealing what makes CNGs, in particular, stumble at work, let's look quickly at the factors that make navigating the work world challenging for most women, in chapter 2, you saw how god divinely created women's brains and hormones for connections with other people.  All women bring with them to work their affinity for relationships.  Females tend to see the workplace as a network of connections where friendships are established as people cooperate to produce work.  Nothing is wrong with that viewpoint, until you realize that, by and large, the work world was created by men—males who tend to see the workplace as a field for competition where winners and losers emerge as people compete and cooperate to produce work.

And while more girls are now getting team and leadership experiences from sports and extracurricular activities, many women still feel more uncomfortable than men do with open competition and direct leadership.  Oh, and the pressure women experience from the Nice Girl culture to be unrelentingly sweet, compliant, and cooperative doesn't let up at work or in volunteer settings either.

All women experience these challenges at work, but CNGs carry the extra burden of a strong need for approval.  Yes, they want to be successful, but their people-pleasing part wants something else: to make everyone happy.  Their conflicting desires of "I want to succeed" and "I want to be liked by everyone" drag them in two different directions.  Given this relentless tug-of-war, it's no surprise that work environments, paid and volunteer, often exhaust CNGs and leave them feeling confused, taken advantage of, and passed over.  They want to perform well, but they also fear being socially rejected if they perform too well.  What's a girl to do?

The first thing to do is to acknowledge that competition isn't a bad thing; in fact, it can be a very positive force that, when handled well, helps women grow as they realize that they are stronger and more capable than they ever imagined.  God can use competition to help you mature and become more like the 360-degree Jesus.

We hpe you agree that competition can be a good thing because, guess what?  All work involves competition because jobs are limited resources—there's only so much to go around.  Even if you are cleaning septic tanks for a living, there is someone else who would like to have your job, so you are competing against other applicants to be the person hired.  You also compete for consumers because you will only have a job if people choose to come to your particular store, office, bank, restaurant, hospital, school, etc., and "buy" what you produce.  Because these situations require competing against unknown people (i.e., the other job applicants, professionals in other offices offering the same services, etc.), most Christian Nice Girls can tolerate this type of remote competition.  It's easier for them to personally succeed when they can't see the whites of their competitors' eyes.  The trouble starts when CNGs have to compete against people they know: their co-workers. 

If you are thinking, "My co-workers and I don't compete, we are one big happy family," brace yourself for a cold splash of reality.  You can establish friendships in the work place, but work at times will be a game with winners and losers, and if you don't realize that, you are being naïve, and you are going to get hurt and taken advantage of.  Now don't get paranoid—you don't have to become cutthroat and sabotage people in order to succeed, but you do need to be informed and wise in the ways of the work world.  Jesus wanted his disciples to be savvy in their work, which is why he told them in Matthew 10:16 "I am sending you out like sheep among wolves.  Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves."

Sadly, Christian Nice Girls often realize far too late that they have squandered immeasurable time and energy at work worshiping at the altar of other people's approval instead of investing their resources in advancing their careers.  For years, they watch with confusion and resentment as co-workers (whom they judge to be far less nice and thus less deserving) receive "their" promotions, raises, and accolades, never realizing that the 360-degree Jesus could provide a much-needed, courageous, truth-speaking example of how to succeed at work by being both gracious and firm.

In order to become the savvy, shrewd woman Jesus had in mind, you may need to practice this infamous phrase: "You're fired!"  Don't worry, you won't be passing out pink slips to people—what needs firing are the behaviors that are holding you back from being God's Good Working Woman.  Here are some passive, self-defeating workplace behaviors that limit the success of CNGs.  Which of these do you need to fire?

Remaining silent in meetings, particularly mixed meetings.  The Nice Girl culture teaches females not to interrupt other people and to wait to speak until called upon.  Unfortunately, these are little girl behaviors that do not translate into the modern world of work.  Women tend to be quieter in meetings where men are present.  When they let the men do most of the talking, the men will naturally get most of the credit.  Because men interrupt more often than women do, you need to learn to handle being interrupted rather than allowing the interruption to silence you.  Think of an interruption not as a period in a sentence that ends a thought, but as a comma that merely pauses the thought.  Your job is to complete the rest of the sentence.  Here's an example:

Susan: "Our website isn't bringing in as much traffic as we hoped.  I suggest that we…"

Bill: "Our website is boring, that's the problem.  And it's hard to navigate.  We should blah, blah, blah…"

Susan: (sits in silence, fuming)

Or Susan could interrupt Bill so that she could finish her thought after the comma created by Bill.

Susan: "Our website isn't bringing in as much traffic as we hoped.  I suggest that we…"

Bill: "Our website is boring, that's the problem.  And it's hard to navigate.  We should…"

Susan: "Excuse me, Bill, I wasn't through speaking.  Because our website isn't bringing in as much traffic as we want, I suggest we consult with another webhosting company and get their perspective.  Now Bill, I heard your concern about our website.  Specifically, how is our website boring, and what would you do to fix this perceived problem?"

Contrary to what the Nice Girl culture teaches, Susan is not being rude by interrupting Bill.  She had the floor, he took the floor by interrupting her, and now she is simply taking back what was hers, that is, the floor.  When you are speaking in a meeting, it's helpful to imagine that you are holding an actual piece of the floor, and that whoever interrupts you has snatched the floor from your hands.  This imagery may help you recognize what just happened, and that you need to graciously but firmly take the floor back.

Also, from a boss's perspective, your failure to speak up in such a meeting can be irritating.  If the supervisor running the meeting is a true leader who wants to hear several perspectives before making an informed decision, then that person will want to hear from everyone—including you, the Christian Nice Girl.  If you continue to be Switzerland—neutral on everything important—you will actually frustrate your boss by not being honest about your opinions because sharing your opinion is part of your job.  You get paid to speak up.

You may also frustrate your boss if she or he knows, from past experience, that the "nice" women in the office/restaurant/school/store/hospital will be among the first to have "the meeting after the meeting."  That's when they finally speak up, only to mainly criticize what others said and decided.  They had their chance to effect change, but they refused to participate and instead chose to feed the Nice Girl culture of unproductive cattiness.

Rescuing incompetent co-workers by doing their work.  Most people grow up watching mothers pick up after their children, finish the last of the dishes, etc.  Women like to help, and it is hard to stop this rescuing behavior in the workplace.  But it's a big mistake to rescue incompetent co-workers by doing their work for them.  Everyone needs a helping hand now and again, but there is a difference between giving someone a helping hand and enabling them to be a perpetual slacker.  Look around and ask yourself: Is anyone else helping this person out?  Am I the only one who seems to think this person needs rescuing?  Continuing to rescue someone in the workplace is usually a sign that the person is in the wrong position and needs to evolve as an employee.  Unless the other person is willing to change for the better, your efforts are prolonging the inevitable termination and wasting your time and energy.  Follow the example of the 360-degree Jesus and point out where they need to improve their performance without shaming them as a person.

Trying too hard not to be offensive.  If your primary goal is to be well-liked at work, you will probably end up trying too hard to not offend anyone, ever.  But the nature of competition, of supply and demand, requires change and change inevitably makes waves.  It's built into the system.

CNGs believe that creating waves is offensive, and that only "bad" people make waves at work.  Yes, it's true that there are people who are unwilling to control their tongues and inordinate ambitions, and who love to create tumultuous waves of useless drama.  But God's Good Working Women make the right kind of waves, the kind that benefit themselves and their organizations, even if those waves bring changes that don't feel comfortable at first.  Remember: a wave-free existence is the state of a person's life just before drowning.  So ask yourself: Do I occasionally make waves at work, and what effect do my waves have?

And keep in mind that Jesus was offensive at times, even to his co-workers, the disciples.  If you aren't offending someone occasionally by speaking the truth at work, you are likely too wishy-washy and are coming across as lacking depth or backbone.  We aren't suggesting that you should start telling offensive jokes or doing things that would be immoral, illegal, or unethical.  Just be willing to voice your opinion without backing away, apologizing, or otherwise negating what you've said.

CNGs who won't say no for fear of offending someone will be taken advantage of and possibly even led into sin by spiritually immature colleagues, clients, and customers.  For example, you might be serving on a church's building committee and seeking sealed construction bids when a fellow church member asks you to reveal the secret bid amounts so that his construction company can submit the winning lowest bid.  When someone asks God's Good Working Women to bend the rules like this, they say no, without apology, even if the other person gets offended and threatens to make a stink.  The same applies when you are working with customers and they try to get you to ignore company policies or negotiate a shady deal.  Just keep saying no, graciously but firmly, even if they threaten to take their business elsewhere.

I have worked for a chamber of commerce for many years that is not afraid to take strong political stances on behalf of business.  It's a big part of the purpose of the organization, and it has strained some of my friendships.  If my organization shied away from political battles in order to retain popularity, it would not be serving its members well.  And if this fact caused me to back down, then I wouldn't be fulfilling the organization's mission.  I wouldn't be serving the membership who need me to fight on their behalf.  Chances are you have similar decisions to make in your job.

Polling prior to making any decision.  Although Proverbs says that there is wisdom found in many counselors, CNGs tend to ask far too many people for their opinion prior to making a decision.  Repeatedly seeking wise counsel is a good thing; repeatedly seeking stamps of approval is a sad thing.  Why do CNGs go from person to person asking, "Do you think I should do this?"  Answer: Because they want other people's approval and/or their permission.  This is little girl behavior, and it makes women look uncertain, weak, and incompetent at work.  If you could benefit from someone's wise counsel about a decision, rather than approach them with "What do you think I should do?" try saying, "I've got a situation I'd like to run past you and get your input on."  That way you are consulting with someone, adult to adult.  If the person you're talking with is above you in management, this consultative approach could also help you get potential "buy in" with your idea before you unfold it.

Next time: More passive, self-defeating, success-limiting behaviors!

Paul Coughlin is the author of numerous books, including Unleashing Courageous Faith, No More Christian Nice Guy and No More Jellyfish, Chickens or Wimps. He also co-authored a book for married couples with his wife Sandy, titled Married But Not Engaged. Paul is founder of The Protectors, the values-based and faith-based answer to adolescent bullying, which provides curriculum for public schools, private schools, retreats, and individuals who want to diminish child-based bullying. 

Visit Paul's websites at: http://www.theprotectors.org, and http://www.paulcoughlin.net

Visit Sandy's website for reluctant entertainers at: http://www.reluctantentertainer.com