Why Some Men Don't Like Church
- Wednesday, April 26, 2006
7. The church and Christian radio have failed to support a married man's need for regular sexual intimacy with his wife, which is an insult and a betrayal. We are men, not eunuchs.
8. Christian men are unintentionally encouraged to become the plaything of other men in a misguided attempt to bolster their "Christian witness." We have been turned into doormats and anvils, instead of bold hammers like the fathers of our faith. We are encouraged to worship at the altar of other people's approval. Proverbs 28:1 says that the righteous are as bold as lions. Bold men are both rare and not really welcomed at church.
9. We unintentionally create spiritual veal: overprotected children who are taught to embrace false humility and false meekness. Kids who rarely, if ever, disagree with authority, even when it's corrupt. Mild children afraid of the world because they are not shown how to live in the real world (See February's Dispatch and the story, "Suicide and the 'Nice' Christian Teen. All previous newsletters can be found on the Free Newsletter portion of our website). Sons and daughters who don't possess a powerful opinion or functioning will because they are deemed unChristian, which sets them up for destructive peer pressure (I deal with this tragic problem in next year's release of Raising Good Kids in a 'Nice' World). This list goes on. Men sense this and do not want this transformation to occur in their children. So they stay away. Sunday School too often creates nice and passive kids instead of good ones.
10. Worship music is often too sentimental for guy tastes.
Let me share a recent church service experience that highlights Reason #7.
I heard yet another sermon telling me that I need to be sexually pure. It was a good and right message that included the usual remedies: More daily Bible reading and prayer; flee temptation the way Joseph fled from Potiphar's wife (Gen 39); and strict accountability among others.
This minister was preaching to a group of largely married men. And like many messages designed to help men, it wasn't so much wrong as it was incomplete. Most of these men were sitting next to their wives, who according to the Bible are to help create a monogamous relationship. But he did not include them in his matrix of sexual purity. I, like usual, was treated like a problem to be fixed outside of the real context of my marital union.
After the sermon I talked with another married guy, a former missionary who told me that his wife leaned over to him and asked during the homily, "Are you attracted to other women?" He bravely answered, "I find other women attractive when I'm not sexually satisfied at home." These may be tough words to hear, but they are true for many men. To pretend like they are not is to deny reality and the real heart and struggle of many men. We ignore them at the expense of healthy families.
My goal isn't to beat anyone up. It's to make a difficult situation better by pointing out the real problem and then offering solutions that speak to a man's life. So here's a sample script of what I wish the good minister would have added to his homily in order to help fix this problem we face.
"Now ladies, I want to help you as well. As we both know, your husband's sexual desires don't exist in a vacuum. They are tied to you as well. You can help your husband in his battle for sexual purity by doing what you can to become the object of his sexual desires.
I know that sexuality is a complicated and combustible topic. So an admonition to one couple may not apply for another. I also know that when men get grumpy and rough around the edges that they can be as attractive as an IRS payment.
"But at the same time, I know that many Christian men want to be more attracted to their wives and yet their wives don't sense the gravity of their situation. Let me tell you about an excellent resource and see if it might apply to your marriage. It's called Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex. You can pick it up at most any bookstore. Women who read it say it really helped them put their husband's sexual needs in perspective. Let's close in prayer."
Recently on Pastors / Leadership
Have something to say about this article? Leave your comment via Facebook below!
Listen to Your Favorite Pastors
Add Crosswalk.com content to your siteBrowse available content