For the record, Huntington may look the part, but her acting is downright deplorable. Somewhere Megan Fox (Jonah Hex), who was famously fired for bad-mouthing Bay, not to mention her own lack of serious acting chops, has to be laughing her head off.

Sadly, when the going gets tough—and does it ever, especially if you live in Chicago—and Sam’s life, not to mention the future of humanity hangs in the balance, he shows an aptitude for yelling and miraculously escaping from danger (yes, full suspension of disbelief is a prerequisite), but not much else. It’s no wonder that Shia says this is his last Transformers movie because he looks positively bored for the duration here. Considering he spends a good chunk of the film holding on for dear life as he’s sliding down a skyscraper, that’s saying something.

Bored is something you’ll likely be feeling, too, especially if you’re hoping for something more than clunky robots knocking over buildings, flipping over cars and fighting with each other for two and a half hours. Worse yet, after a while it’s virtually impossible to distinguish who’s fighting with whom and why, a big problem when you’re supposed to be invested in the outcome.                              

Once again, what Transformers is severely lacking is any real human connection. While the conspiracy theory angle is momentarily intriguing and seeing ordinary cars transform into something of boyhood dreams has an undeniable appeal, all the cool chase scenes, explosions and carefully choreographed fights can’t compare to a story with some actual heart, something that’s unfortunately in anemically short supply in Dark of the Moon.

CAUTIONS:

  • Drugs/Alcohol: Social drinking depicted.
  • Language/Profanity: A steady stream throughout including as-, as-hol-, dam-, bit--, he--, two instance of fu--(one verbal, one mouthed) and slang for the same word is also used. There are several occasions where God and Jesus’s name are misused.
  • Sex/Nudity: In typical Michael Bay fashion, the camera is practically leering up Carly, the new hottie’s, short—and rather tight—dresses. Sam’s parents warn him about the dangers of barging into their bedroom. There’s also a little gay sexual innuendo when Sam is found in the same bathroom stall as Jerry (Ken Jeong), whose pants happened to be down, no less.  A few sexually charged jokes and double entendres in the dialogue, plus Carly and Sam are living together but aren’t married. Some kissing.
  • Violence: Although it’s mostly bloodless, the violence is particularly fierce—and nearly non-stop in Dark of the Moon. In addition to the metal-on-metal, machine-to-machine combat, we see several cars crashed into—and overturned—with little regard for the human lives inside them. A man who knows too much is thrown out the window off a very tall skyscraper. Bridges break and cause cars to slide off. Gunfire, missile fire and regular ol’ fire cause the demise of thousands of civilians, not to mention the entire city of Chicago is pretty much leveled by the Decepticons. Several of the protagonists slide down a building as it goes down Titanic style. A tracking device implanted into Sam is very, very painful. Sam and Dylan also get into several physical scuffles. The military risks their lives in several scenes to try and save the planet.
     

Christa Banister is a full-time freelancer writer, specializing in music, movies and books-related reviews and interviews and is the author of two novels, Around the World in 80 Dates and Blessed Are the Meddlers. Based in Dallas, Texas, she also weighs in on various aspects of pop culture on her personal blog

For more information, including her upcoming book signings and sample chapters of her novels, check out her Website.