Angry at God
- Thursday, September 19, 2013
The realization that I could be taken from my son any time hit me hard. Until the mini-stroke, I had been comfortably complacent in the security that I was called to be my son’s mother and would be here as long as my son needed me. And now, I realized, that wasn’t true at all. My friends’ children needed their mothers, and they were still taken. Now they were going to grow up knowing the women who birthed them primarily only through pictures and others’ stories. How was this ok?
I wish I could say that my faith quickly came back as I realized that God is loving, just, compassionate, and crazy-in-love with us. To be completely authentic, my faith still isn’t back completely. I’m still shaken by things like this. Logically, I know we live in a fallen, sinful world. I know Adam and Eve brought sin into the world, and we all most likely would have succumbed to temptation at some point, so we can’t just blame them. I know health cannot be taken for granted, and I know just because I’m a mother doesn’t mean I am immune to disease or death, and I must take care of myself. I get the logic. It’s the faith I struggle with, especially when I hold my son first thing in the morning or last thing at night, and nothing else matters but his head on my chest, his little smile, and his arms wrapped around my neck. I am SUPPOSED to be his mother. The thought of God taking me from him or him from me is too much to bear.
In the car recently, the song “Held” by Natalie Grant came on. It’s not a new song, but it had new meaning for me. She sings:
Two months is too little.
They let him go--
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed, and
Why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life,
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell, we'd be held.
When I get angry at God and ask myself why He allows all of these bad things to happen, I reflect on this song. I know our questions will be answered on the other side, and often they’re answered on this side. I don’t believe God wants me to blindly accept pain and suffering. I believe He wants me to trust Him unconditionally and feel secure and confident in His love and mercy as I move through life. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33, NIV).
Lori Kucharski has loved Christ since she was a little girl, but she hasn't always lived it. She and her husband are parents to an energetic little boy and are expecting a girl in January. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Colorado Springs. When she isn't writing, her family enjoys skiing, hiking, and traveling.
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