Discovering the Value of Your Personality
- The Smalley Relationship Center
- Published Mar 11, 2009
All of us have distinct personalities, and all of us can, without knowing it, push some of our inborn characteristics to an unhealthy extreme that can wreak havoc in a marriage.
—Gary Smalley
The personality inventory you take is not like a test you fail or pass. It's more like a fingerprint that shows your tendencies. Tendencies can change, unlike fingerprints. Discovering your personality tendencies in relationships helps to show where your strengths and weaknesses exist. Each of us has these personality strengths in combinations which are variable and adjustable. They need to be brought into balance. Therefore, the goal of this session is to help you understand where you are "out of balance" in terms of your personality. We've found that our greatest personal strengths—when pushed out of balance—become our greatest weakness. For instance, let's say that your strength is that you have tremendous enthusiasm, this becomes a weakness as your enthusiasm turns into manipulation.
If a particular character trait of yours is too extreme, to the point that it irritates your mate or your children, you can decide to push that trait down and push other traits up. Let's take a closer look at the four different personality types and see what happens when our strengths are pushed out of balance:
L is for Lion
Strengths | Strengths Pushed Out of Balance |
Problem solver | Too busy |
Bold, direct communication | Insensitive |
Decision maker | Unthoughtful of others wishes |
Strong Willed | Stubborn |
Independent, Self-reliant | Avoids people and seeking help |
Action oriented, persistent | Inflexible, relentless, unyielding |
Likes authority | Too direct or demanding |
Takes charge | Pushy, impatient—do it now! |
Confident | Cocky, overlook feelings |
Enterprising | Big risks |
Competitive | Cold blooded |
What does a balanced Lion look like? Since Lions are naturally hard on problems, their greatest relational need is to add softness to their natural style to keep from being too hard on people in the process. Also, lions may need to learn that meaningful communication takes time. They need to slow down and discuss decisions with others, not simply charge ahead on their own.
O is for Otter
Strengths | Strengths Pushed Out of Balance |
Enthusiastic | Over-bearing |
Takes risks | Dangerous and foolish |
Visionary, inspirational | Day dreamer, phony |
Fun loving, infectious laughter | Not serious, obnoxious |
Motivator, promoter, initiator | Manipulator, exaggerates, pushy |
Energetic | Impatient |
Friendly, group oriented | Shallow relationships, bored |
Likes variety, enjoys change | Scattered, lacks follow-through |
Spontaneous | Not focused enough |
Enjoys creativity or new ideas | Unrealistic, avoids details |
What does a balanced Otter look like? One of the greatest relational needs for Otters is to be more of a follow-through person. Otters tend to make all kinds of promises and think "all things are possible," but we need to follow through with our commitments. Also Otters need to develop sensitivity to the feelings of others and weighing the consequences of our words or actions before jumping into something.
G is for Golden Retriever
Strengths | Strengths Pushed Out of Balance |
Sensitive feelings | Easily hurt |
Loyal | Missed opportunities |
Calm, even-keel | Lacking enthusiasm |
Non-demanding, patient | Push-over, taken advantage of |
Peace maker, hates confrontation | Misses honest intimacy |
Enjoys routine, dislikes change | Stays in rut, not spontaneous |
Warm & relational | Fewer deep friends |
Accomodating | Too indecisive |
Sympathetic, good listener | Holds on to other's hurt or pain |
What does a balanced Golden Retriever look like? Since Golden Retrievers have an eagerness to please others, they have a hard time saying "No." Therefore, their greatest relational need is to set limits and boundaries essential for their own well-being. Further, Retrievers need to practice confronting others. Turn your ability to feel deeply about negative things into a positive step, one where you think and act decisively.
B is for Beaver
Strengths | Strengths Pushed Out of Balance |
Perfectionist | Too controlling |
Detailed, enjoys instructions | Hard time finishing; slow |
Accurate, precise | Too critical and too strict |
Consistent, predictable | No spontaneity or variety; boring |
Controlled, reserved, orderly | Too serious and stuffy; rigid |
Practical | Not adventurous |
Sensitive | Stubborn |
Conscientious | Too inflexible |
Analytical | Loose overview |
Discerning | Too negative on new opportunity |
What does a balanced Beaver look like? Since Beavers teen to be extreme in their thinking, it's important for them to realize that nothing is ever as bad as it seems or as good as it appears. Stop catastrophizing. Instead, be more relaxed and let some things remain unfinished or undone. Letting go of the need to have everything exactly right is important for a Beaver. They, too, can learn to turn negatives in their life into a positive, instead of magnifying a mess all out of proportion into something really bad.
We trust you'll share this inventory with your mate, friends and your kids. By understanding your personality bent and how your weaknesses are really your strengths pushed out of balance, then you will have fewer personality conflicts down the road.
This article was originally published on the Crosswalk Careers channel in January 2008.
© Copyright 2005 Smalley Relationship Center