The excitement of living on my own and working for a missions agency faded last year as I moved back home after three adventurous years.

I was home. I was with family. Things felt right. I was happy.

But after all the unpacking and getting reunited with friends and family, I had to face the real world. I had bills. I had to grow up.

I eventually got a part time job that I hated. If you haven’t had one of those yet, smile because you’re beating some statistic out there.

But I began quickly to throw a lot of questions at the Lord.

“God, how long am I going to be home?”
“Come on, God, seriously, what do You have next for me?”
“Well, if I’m only here for a little while, there’s no point to getting a full-time job, right?”

It’s hard making decisions when God is silent. And it’s even harder when the noise of life is amplified. I had just left working for something that I was passionate about. Bagging groceries wasn’t cutting it for me now.

Geez, something had to give. My heart was dying out there.

I had a faded image in my mind of what I’d want to do in the future. But how in the hell do you figure out the 10,000 steps that it takes to get there?

Something inside of me tells me that I’m not alone in this battle. Stories of friends changing majors left and right always reminded me of this lurking battle to figure out your ‘calling’, your ‘future’, your ‘destiny’, your whatever. My generation is buckling under the weight of the future.

I was 21 years old. I needed benefits. I needed a 9-5. I needed to build a career.

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”  -Proverbs 19:21

I tried to build some 9-5 dream. I tried, but I failed. Why? Are 9-5’s bad? No, they aren’t. But for me, they weren’t in the plans right now.

long to be a mother some day. Sometimes I dream of being called ‘mommy‘. I close my eyes when a kid yells ‘mommy,’ and I dream of what it will feel like when it’s the voice of my precious ones. I’m that girl that has an on-going collection of Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys books for my future children’s library that I imagine them having. I’m that girl that perks up and loses focus when a baby comes into the room. My Pinterest board for “the children of my future” is ridiculously full.

I know, shake your head, but I’m seriously that girl. It might not be your thing, but I don’t care. That’s why it’s my thing and not your thing. But what matters is that we find our ‘thing’.

One day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember having talks with my mom, a successful business woman, about career choices. I considered a lot of options. Then I perfected my resume one more time. I realized that I didn’t want to be a bank teller or a personal assistant. My goal in life was not a successful 9 – 5, a specific career, or benefits. I felt like I was throwing my life away trying to pursue something that I wasn’t ever meant to pursue.

What I wanted was to be a mom. I was about to trade my passion in for other people’s dreams for me. I almost robbed myself of the joy that I now have.

I’m still at home. I’m still with family. Things still feel right. I’m still happy. And now, I have a little bit clearer picture of my ‘purpose’.