Five Ways to Grow Closer to Your Spouse in 2014
- Monday, January 06, 2014
I've always been a goal-setter. Every January I would come up with new goals (not resolutions - goals) to save more money, be more productive on my job, read more books, lose more weight, and basically get in better shape mentally, physically, financially, and spiritually.
I was just missing one area. What was I doing to get in better shape, relationally, with my husband? Convicted at where my priorities were, I realized that I needed to deliberately and intentionally invest in my marriage just as much as I was investing in other areas of my life. And that meant setting tangible goals yearly in that area, too. So I let my husband, Hugh, in on the goal-making process by asking him a few non-threatening questions. From those questions, we ended up setting our yearly goals together, which we've done now for the past ten years or so.
I initiated our goal-setting process by asking my spouse the following questions:
1. What did you most enjoy about our dating days?
2. What do you wish we could do as a couple that we rarely or no longer take the time to do?
3. What have you always wanted to do, as a couple, that we haven't yet done?
4. Where would be the ideal getaway for you and me to go someday?
5. What, specifically, would you like to see us accomplish together in the next year?
My husband's answers to those questions opened up a whole new arena - and adventure - of yearly goal-setting together. And because I took the time - and initiative - to be deliberate and intentional in asking him what things he would like to see changed or improved upon in our marriage, I actually had a place to start (instead of just feeling like maybe he was unhappy or maybe there was more to our relationship that we were failing to discover). We also ended up incorporating into our lives some things like a weekly day to play, projects we've long talked about and finally accomplished together, and trips we've planned and taken that we might not otherwise have even talked about.
Through the years, we've continued to set - and meet - relational goals. They're mainly initiated by me each year. But that's okay. As he's trying to focus on so many things to take care of our family, financially and otherwise, I can do my part by focusing on our relationship when it comes to setting and implementing yearly goals. It's amazing what any couple can accomplish when even one partner is willing to do the work. And besides, Romans 12:18 tells us "If possible, as much as it depends on you, be at peace with all men" (That's a great principle for marriage when both parties are waiting for the other to take the initiative).
I encourage you to ask your spouse those questions above and then come up with some goals of your own for 2014. But if that's too big of a step for now, or if you're frustrated at being the one who has to initiate a closer connection, here's a place to start - five simple goals for a closer connection in the next year:
1. Start your day with a kiss. Simple, but effective. Studies show couples who kiss each other daily (even a quick peck on the cheek) are happier, overall, than couples who don't.
2. Say encouraging words. It doesn't take a lot of effort, but it reaps marvelous results. Ephesians 4:29 says "Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. (NLT)" Think in terms of "I'm only going to say it if my spouse is encouraged by it." You'll notice, within days, how your relationship improves.
3. Plan a regular date night. If you have children and can rarely afford a babysitter, find another couple in the same situation and exchange babysitting once a month so each couple can have a monthly date night. Dating was important before you were married and believe us, it's even more important after you're married.
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