Dear Desperate:

Your situation is a most difficult one. Not only are you reeling from rejection by your fiancée, and feelings regarding the intrusion of his family in a most sensitive matter, but you must have many fears related to being pregnant as well. Let’s see if we can sort through your issues.

First, it is very unfortunate that your ex-fiancee is so heavily influenced by his family. While I don’t know their reasons for supporting his abandonment of you, it does not appear to be an honorable position. Their counsel seems to only confuse him and muddy the water. Hopefully you have already told him how disappointed you are that they are offering their counsel.

Second, your pregnancy reminds us of the dangers of premarital sexual relations. Since your ex-fiancee continues to come to see you, it is not too late to insist that he make a critical decision about whether or not he chooses to be in your life as your mate. His bouncing back and forth only serves to exacerbate your wounds and is intolerable. If he drifts in and out of your life, will he do the same regarding his child?

Finally, your ex has fears of his own he needs to deal with. Your letter indicates that he left after finding out you were pregnant. If he decides to stay in the relationship, insist that you both receive Christian counseling in preparation for marriage. It is quite obvious that he has commitment issues—something I discuss at length in my book, When The Man in Your Life Can’t Commit.

I certainly extend my prayers to you as you make difficult decisions regarding your future and the future of your child. Know that God wants the best for you and will honor your commitment to Him. He promises His protection and peace.

"For I know the plans I have for you, ‘declares the Lord,’ plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29: 11)


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David Hawkins, Pd.D., has worked with couples and families to improve the quality of their lives by resolving personal issues for the last 30 years. He is the author of over 18 books, including   Love Lost: Living Beyond a Broken Marriage,  Saying It So He'll Listen, and  When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You. His newest book is titled When the Man in Your Life Can’t Commit.  Dr. Hawkins grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and lives with his wife on the South Puget Sound where he enjoys sailing, biking, and skiing. He has active practices in two Washington cities.