Reasons Behind Conflict

Over the last several years I have learned that conflict is often a symptom of something else going on inside of us or others in whom we are having the conflict. Let me explain through example

A few years ago I was in a contract negotiation with a man on a joint business deal. We agreed on the terms of the deal and needed my attorney to finalize our agreement in a contract. My attorney called my friend John to work out the details. However, each time my attorney would seek to review the details of the contract, John would begin to take issue with him. It wasn’t that what he said was not true, it was the manner in which the attorney spoke to him that John began to react to him. After a few days of this my attorney called and said he was at a roadblock with John, but he could not honestly say why since there were no particular issues that had not already been agreed to. I knew John’s history and discerned what was taking place.

I called John and set up an appointment for the next day for us to meet. I drove an hour and a half to his office. Upon arrival I said, “John, you and I have agreed on these terms. Is that correct?” He agreed. Then John began to describe his conversation with my attorney. The more he described it, the more emotional he began to get. In just a few minutes John’s blood pressure had arisen to the point he was almost cursing the attorney. At that point I interrupted John with these words, “In the name of Jesus I rebuke that spirit of fear and insecurity! If you continue to allow that to rule you, I am walking out of here.” John was startled, as I was too, since I have never done such a thing. However, I saw so clearly what was taking place in John. You see, John had lost a multi-million dollar company that resulted from a corporate takeover which left him bankrupt, losing literally millions of dollars in the process. Lawyers were the catalyst for his downfall and he has seen lawyers as evil and the source of pain and hurt in his life. So, whenever he is talking with a lawyer, he allows the old hurts and pains and insecurities that he experienced during that time in his life to return. He had allowed a stronghold of insecurity and fear to rule him whenever he was speaking to a lawyer.

After I explained this to John he sat back in his chair and said, “You are absolutely right. There is no reason we cannot do this deal. I have allowed this spirit to rule my life in this area.” We agreed on the terms of our deal and finalized the agreement – with the attorney.

Many times the people we are working with have underlying issues that are going on in their lives. You may be in a conflict with someone and their reaction to you seems almost irrational. I remember working with a client’s advertising director who was a woman. My first meeting with this woman revealed to me that this situation was going to be a difficult one. I realized it was not because I was not serving the company’s needs appropriately; it was because this woman hated men. The signs were very clear. However, instead of being able to overcome the situation, I was forced to resign working with her because it was not a situation that neither the company, nor I was able to address in the context of an agency/client relationship.