A friend of mine asked me to edit a letter he was writing to his teenage daughters about what to look for in a good man. After I poured my heart back into my chest (it had melted all over the floor), I put on my editor hat to engage in what this father sees as important in a man.

My letter-writing friend mentioned discipline, the way the boy in question treats his mother, and whether he has the strength of character to respectfully disagree with his girl.

Reading his thoughts intersected with several conversations I’ve had over the past few months with Christian singles trying to figure out what this whole dating thing should be about.

I think I need another decade of life experience before I could begin to pick apart what’s really honoring when it comes to dating “with Jesus at the center.” But since I can’t fix the good man/Christian dating problem this morning (feel free to weigh in), I can at least start the conversation.

Of course, the most important thing should be Jesus. But, when I met Dave, the quality of his relationship with Jesus (as well as my own) wouldn’t have been winning either one of us any crowns in heaven. We’ve both changed dramatically, and his relationship with the Lord is strong, steady, and well…quiet. So I worry that if I told you that the ONLY thing that matters is to “make sure Jesus is at the center of your relationship” you might start to figure that he’s got to have some worship songs he can sing to you on the guitar, or he needs to exposit some scripture, or for goodness sake, at least move people to tears with the passion of his public prayers. And sometimes in the quest for that spiritual leader, you might miss the qualities that Christ put in your man that aren’t quite so visible. Like these:

#10: He should be teachable. You should observe him being OK at taking correction.

#9: He should be humble. One sign of a humble man is that he’s willing to celebrate other’s strengths. If you don’t ever see him admiring someone else for something, he might not have room for anyone in his heart but himself.

#8: He should make you smile. If making you smile means being goofy or dancing crazy or bringing you flowers or watching Bravo with you or delivering great one-liners, no matter what it means to you… you are gonna need it. His looks may make your stomach flutter now, but eventually flutters fade… laughter goes a long way.

#7: He should also make you think. He should stand up to you. You might like being right (believe me, I get that) but you need a man who’s willing to go toe-to-toe with you and call you out when you are being stubborn or seeing the world with your crazy glasses on. Believe me, he has different opinions than you… and you need him to express them.

#6: He should cherish you. We women know we talk a big game, but at the end of the day, we want someone who will give us protection. I remember in college Dave being very concerned about my whereabouts when I was away at football games… and although I probably rolled my eyes and told him he was annoying, I know deep down that I wanted him to care in that way.

#5: He should bear fruit. Maybe he’s not the up-front guy in your church or campus ministry, but do you observe these qualities in him? Peace? Patience? Kindness? Goodness... and the rest of those Galatians qualities? Is he diligent in his work? How does he treat children? His mother, even when she’s annoying? Do you see qualities in him that you admire?

#4: He respects you. Even when you are irrational. Even when you are emotional. If you say no to his advances, even if you said yes the day before…he gets it, he backs off. If he uses emotional manipulation or any kind of physical coercion–get the heck out of that.