Had enough?  It gets worse, and it was all I could do to remain in the theatre watching it.  Not only was I thoroughly disgusted, but I was also mortified to think that someone might see me and assume I was enjoying this perversion, rather than reviewing it as part of my job.  The only good thing about that is that I did see it, so you don’t have to.  But do not be surprised if this film gets raves.  After all, so did Robert Mapplethorpe’s homoerotic, even sadomasochistic photos, which earned him the moniker of “art icon” during the '70s and '80s.

“Closer” has stars galore, who all do a very good job with their roles.  Roberts is solid and unusually understated; Portman is all grown up (boy, just watch her spread those legs); Law is a pitiful conundrum; and Owen stands out as a truly evil person.  The highly successful theatre production by Patrick Marber, who also wrote the screenplay, played to sold-out London audiences then opened in New York amid great fanfare.  But set aside the ravings of the liberal literati, and what’s left?  A close-up into the bedrooms of four very sick individuals, with a harrowing message of hopelessness.

Ponderous with dialogue, as plays tend to be, the script propels itself forward by focusing on one sexual dalliance then another.  Characters lash out at each other and speak in the most graphic of terms imaginable.  It is witty?  At times.  “It’s not safe out there,” Dan says to Alice, as she walks out on him after his confession. “And it’s safe in here?”  Yet during other moments, the film is heavy with its own sense of self-importance.  “You be my whore and I will repay you with your liberty,” Larry begs of Anna, who succumbs to his request.  

The film insists that we are predominantly sexual beings who will always crave that which we cannot have.  “Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking off her clothes,” Alice says. “But it’s so much more fun if you do.”  The result is that, because we are just one step above animals on the evolutionary chain (“We were fish, long ago, before we were apes”), we will ultimately give in to those cravings and create chaos around us.  Our only hope lies in finding someone with whom we are the most compatible, who will forgive our ongoing sexual transgressions.

As the film ends, the viewer is left with the overwhelming sense that life is meaningless.  “Everything is a version of something else,” says one character.  Nothing is real, for humans are incapable of truth and goodness.  “Try lying for a change – it’s the currency of the world,” says Dan.  Later, Larry echoes this sentiment when he calls the heart a “fist wrapped in blood.”  “Congratulations,” Dan says to Anna.  “You’re a double divorcee. How do you feel?”  She answers, “Tired.”