The words caught in my throat.  The mechanical breathing of her respirator jarred my thoughts.  A strange mood of uncertainty settled over me.  I looked at the child I had fought and prayed so hard to keep.  She’s really in there, isn’t she?

I stood up, trying to shake the doubt that had suddenly caught me off guard.  Noticing my watch read 11 p.m., I decided to get ready for bed.  Because my husband was out of town, I wouldn’t drive home, but would sleep over in Laura’s room.

Flipping off the light, I shut the door.  The nurses had already completed their evening rounds.  It would be hours before anyone would check on us.  I popped two extra-strength pain relievers and sat the bottle on a nearby tray table beside my glass of water.  What if the doctors are right-and Laura never wakes up? I thought as I spread a blanket in the window seat.

Fluffing my pillow, I wondered about God.  Maybe He’s abandoned us.  Maybe He isn’t going to answer my prayers.

I tried to stifle the emotions that began to boil as Laura’s respirator mocked, no-hope, no-hope, no-hope.  My chest constricted as I gasped for air.  Everything seemed so different, so pointless.  Laura, I decided, would be better off if she were...to die.  After all, I concluded, I couldn’t allow her to live in this suspended state of life, could I?

A plan rose from my grief.  I couldn’t bear to ask the doctors to take my child off life support after I’d prevented this action once before.  But now, I realized Laura’s smile would never return.  My dreams for her life were dashed.  And God?  He had been as silent as Laura’s stilled voice. 

Perhaps God’s silence meant I needed to take matters into my own hands.  Perhaps it was up to me to end this horrible suffering. 

I can kill Laura without the doctor’s help, I reasoned.  I can turn off the alarms and unplug the vent from the wall.  It would be so simple, except...except, I wondered, if I kill my daughter, how could I live with myself?  How could I face Paul or my parents?

The moonlight reflected on my bottle of pain killers.  If I swallowed them...no one would find us until morning...Laura and I could...escape...this living hell...  Together.

Just as my plan seemed like the only solution, I found my hand resting on my belly.  My hidden child was only days old, but I knew he was there.

My thoughts slowly cleared.  How could I kill myself?  How could I kill Laura?  A new life was growing inside of me.  A life that had the right to live!

My reasoning returned, Lord, I’m willing to wait—despite the pain and the cost.  I’m willing to wait on You.