Confess your sins. Rob your secrets of their destructive power by bringing them out into the open. Confess each of your sins to God. Confess your sins to others, humbly acknowledging that you have manipulated other people for your own pleasure in the past. Join a support group or build friendships with a few others who are struggling to recover from the same issues you are, so you can hold each other accountable and encourage each other.

Embrace forgiveness. Know that forgiveness will help you resolve the past and clear the path toward a better future. Accept the forgiveness that God offers you after you confess your sins to Him. Release other people from the anger, resentment, and hatred you’ve harbored against them. Trust that you can live in the confidence that God will no longer hold your sins against you if you’ve asked His forgiveness and shown forgiveness to others who have hurt you.

Be accountable. Ask God to help you unlearn destructive ways of relating to people and learn how to relate to them in new, healthy ways. Take concrete action to make amends for past wrongs whenever you can.

Look outward. Look beyond yourself and your own life toward God and other people. Focus yourself outwardly to gain genuine love for them.

Be patient with yourself. Realize that you can’t take shortcuts in recovery; the process demands plenty of time. Be aware that hunger, anger, loneliness, or fatigue can trigger a relapse into addictive behavior. Don’t expect too much too soon. Instead, simply ask yourself each day: “What can I do today to become the person I want to be tomorrow?”. Live in the present – not the past or future.

Ground yourself in reality. Shift your focus from the world as you imagine it to be to the world as it actually is. Give up the fantasy high of immediate gratification to the strenuous yet rewarding task of building authentic relationships. Stop trying to take what you want in relationships and start making sacrifices for those you love.

Develop consistency in the midst of change. Defer major life changes (such as moving, marrying, starting a new job, or having a baby) for at least a year after beginning the recovery process, so you can fully devote your time and energy to recovering. Set a reliable schedule and routine to follow.

Find mentors. Seek out a few people who have already recovered from the same issues with which you’re struggling. Ask them to give you the guidance and support you need for your own journey.

Stay sober. Understand that, although you can’t avoid people as a recovering alcoholic can avoid alcohol, you can establish and maintain a balanced lifestyle. When you’re considering a particular way of relating to people, honestly ask yourself: “Will I later have to deny that I did it?”, “Is it self-centered?”, “Is it abusive to myself or to others?”, “Is it inconsistent with my values?”, “Would I refuse to do it if Christ were standing here with me?”, “Is it an action without an underlying commitment?”, “Will I feel better or worse about myself for having done it?”, “Will someone else feel worse for my having done it?”, “Is this a waste of my time or the time of others?”, and “Am I doing this to escape painful feelings of reality?” Pay attention to red flags that come up in your answers, and renew your commitment not to pursue relationships that are exploitive or addictive.

Adapted from When You Love Too Much, copyright 2004 and 1991 by Stephen Arterburn. Published by Regal Books, from Gospel Light, Ventura, Ca., 1-800-4-GOSPEL, or www.regalbooks.com.   

Stephen Arterburn is founder of Women of Faith and of New Life Ministries. He hosts the nationally syndicated daily radio program New Life Live! Arterburn is the best-selling author and coauthor of more than 50 books, including Every Man’s Battle, Toxic Faith, and Feeding Your Appetites. He has more than 4 million books in print and has won numerous Gold Medallion Awards for writing excellence. A well-known speaker across the United States, he lives in Laguna Beach, Ca.