Reflecting on God's Faithfulness

Seven years ago.

I have relived that day over and over, but for some year it is really taking an emotional toll on me. Last night as I drove home from dinner with my daughter, I began to reflect on that day. I found myself in tears--both good and bad.

Seven years ago today, I received a call that my ex-husband had passed away.

Seven years ago today, my kids' lost their dad.

Seven years ago.

Funny, I had been reflecting upon Resurrection Sunday this week and asking God what He wanted me to say. Instead, I found myself contemplating the events of seven years ago. Do you know what I found? The beauty of the resurrection in those events. Let me explain

God prepared us ahead of the storm. A few short days before I received the phone call, I had read these words in Hosea 6: 

“Come, let us return to the Lord.
He has torn us to pieces
    but he will heal us;
he has injured us
    but he will bind up our wounds.

Those words pierced my heart in a powerful way. I knew that God was reminding me of the work He does in the midst of the trials of this life. I had seen it firsthand, but He was telling me that pain amplifies the beauty of His healing.

I knew we were going to experience pain, but I was keenly aware that God would use it for His glory.

God connected us with people for our future. Can I tell you a funny story? I spent eight years keeping Roy in the friend zone. However, he was the shoulder I cried on in those difficult days. He was the friend bringing dinner to the house and showing amazing kindness to us in the midst of our loss. It was my ex-husband's death that connected my heart (and my kids' hearts) to Roy's in a way that eventually led to our marriage.

You know what else? There were other people that came into our lives during that time period that have profoundly impacted our lives. Our paths would have never connected otherwise, but because of God's sovereignty in the midst of our pain, lives are forever changed.

God gives us what we need even when we don't know what we need. I am so thankful the Holy Spirit makes intercession for us when we don't know what to pray (Romans 8:26). I can't tell you how many times I've been able to look back over a season and see how God provided exactly what I needed! Do you know what I've needed this year? I needed time with my "invisible" middle child! He's never been invisible to me, but I think sometimes he felt invisible. These last six months have been the sweetest time with him as he's been the only child at home. I've got to focus all my attention on him in ways I had never been able to before. And I think it might have been exactly what he needed to heal.

God is the healer of all things. My kids are forever changed because of their dad's death. They have experienced a pain like no other, and there's a hole in their hearts. I always call it a complicated grief because of other circumstances, but it's one they carry with them every day. I have watched with pride as they have risen above, followed their dreams, and become amazing young adults.

Every now and then, I catch a glimpse--a glimpse of the pain and a glimpse of the healing. Last summer, my oldest wrote this amazing poem about a day with his dad. I asked him if I could share it. So, with his permission, I close with these words from my oldest son:

 

Just One Day

 

If you came back

For only one day,

What would I do?

What would I say?

 

With not an ounce of planning,

I stood and I saw

My love and my pain…

I could see it all.

 

With a surge of emotion

And not a moment of thought,

I tried to decide

On the day that I sought.

 

Did I remind you of all

The pain and the strife

That you alone caused me

For most of my life?

 

Or did I share with you all

The things I had found,

The love and the passion

That was now so profound.

 

I struggled with this

As we climbed in the car.

You were two feet away,

But you’d never felt so far.

 

As we drove down the road,

I knew what to do.

You had missed your chance,

I wouldn’t miss mine too.

 

“Where are we going?”

You nervously sighed.

With a smile I told you,

“We’re going to fly!”

 

30 minutes later,

We climbed on a plane

Without even a dollar

Attached to my name.

 

But it did not matter

At all to me,

Now that my father

Could finally see

 

You watched as I pulled

Our wheels off the ground.

With awe and amazement

You looked all around

 

“A pilot!” you announced,

Beaming with pride.

And when I looked I could see

A tear in your eye.

 

For hours we talked,

Across the blue skies we soared.

We cried and we laughed

Like never before.

 

When at last we were out

Of good things to say,

And the sun had turned pink

On our glorious day

 

I turned to watch you

Stare at that sky.

But when I looked over,

I started to cry.

 

With all of the marvels

Around us to see,

The mountains and oceans,

The tops of the trees.

 

With all of the wonders

That filled up that place,

Your gaze had stopped

To rest on my face.

 

I stared back in yours

With the sun falling low,

And felt your tight hug

In a way I had never known.

 

“I’m proud of you son,”

You said as we cried.

We both said, “I love you”

For our final goodbye.

 

As I fell from that hug

You had suddenly disappeared.

I missed you already,

But you finally felt near.

 

I returned to the airport,

This time alone.

I sat in my car

And I headed back home.

 

Although it pains me

To sit here and know

I’ll never get to tell

A soul that we’ve flown.

 

It hurts me deep down,

That none of this is real,

But I love to imagine

Just how I’d feel

 

That despite all the wonders

And beauty around

I suddenly notice

Without making a sound

 

You’re sitting and staring,

But what do you see?

Your pride and your joy,

For you’re staring at me.