Unconditional Love Is Not Enough
- Friday, January 24, 2014
When my son was born, he was the first of his generation. My husband comes from a big family and I have a rather large extended family. When you come from a baby-obsessed group like ours, life is an endless supply of hugs, kisses, adoration and attention. My son could make a crowded room grow quiet in an instant with his happy chatter or little baby steps. He had a line-up of aunts, uncles, grandmas, grandpas and cousins waiting for their turn to hold him, play with him…and yes, even change him. And the flow of love never stopped, even when his sister and cousins came along.
At home, my husband and I gave him our attention and fostered his curiosities and interests. We practiced positive reinforcement and praise versus negative criticism as a way to change behaviors. He was showered with love and support, and yet as he began to grow, I witnessed how he struggled with insecurities, social anxieties, fears, and lack of confidence.
I was flummoxed…“Isn’t love all you need?” I prayed for inspiration and wisdom…and the response was the realization that unconditional love and support from your family is the foundation. Their love gives you the strength to go out in the world and take risks because you know that there’s a safe place to fall if you don’t succeed. Family has your back and will be there with you every step of the way, no matter what. And that’s what my son was blessed with…a strong foundation. But self-esteem comes from personal achievement. You can praise and pass out certificates and stickers and clap and give your undivided attention, but you cannot give someone confidence.
I could see my son falling behind developmentally and academically with his peers. Even though he couldn’t express it, I could tell that he felt like someone who’ll never be as good as anyone else.
Taking a Risk so He Can Take Risks
At age 13 my son was officially diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, a high-functioning form of autism. The diagnosis provided insights into his challenges and a pathway towards the right educational and social interventions…but the key to helping him to grow and thrive has always been finding him opportunities to accomplish and be successful on his own.
I became extremely focused and listened for anything he would talk about to give me a clue for finding something (anything) he was interested in where his involvement could result in personal achievement. Notice the “could.” No matter what I’d find, there was a risk that he’d get frustrated, feel like a failure and want to give up too soon. But I had to take that risk, so he had opportunities for success. I had to become a really good matchmaker for his interests and abilities.
Making a U-turn Towards Opportunity
We were driving in the car and my son said in casual conversation that he thought he might like to do karate. The voice inside my head screamed…”this is it!” I literally made a U-turn (ask my mother who was visiting) and signed him up. He loved the karate gi (uniform), the structure and discipline of the class, the traditions, and learning the moves. He worked hard and was motivated to earn his belts.
Here’s an entry in my journal that summarizes what happened:
“Tonight you became an orange belt! I was so nervous. You were calm and collected. You gave it everything you had…and you succeeded! It wasn’t given to you out of kindness. You earned it! I was so proud and happy for your personal victory.”
And there it was…the proof that his personal sense of accomplishment could make a positive impact on his self-esteem. He ultimately reached a brown belt level before leaving Karate behind for acting, his most dramatically life-altering, confidence-building journey ever.
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