As a means to find help, he explored the reasons he was attracted to guys. “It didn’t help much. I know what all the theories say and I have been through counseling about that but I still am attracted to certain guys.”
“The theories” Jim is referring to is the oft-cited viewpoint among social conservatives that being homosexual, at least for men, stems from a lack of early bonding with one’s father. To be sure, Jim’s dad fit the stereotype.
“My relationship with my dad was very poor. Frankly, he was quite abusive. But it was so bad, that I never had any desire to bond with him, or repair anything.”
Although Jim’s life matches up well with predictions based on the common view, he does not think he is attracted to men because of his poor relationship with his father. He explains, “My brother and sister also were abused. Neither of them struggles with homosexuality, as far as I am aware.”
His investigations about causes of homosexuality were not limited to himself or people with similar backgrounds. Jim says, “I cannot tell you how many gay men have told me that the whole possibility of becoming straight is nonsense to them. They have heard the various father-deficit theories, and none apply to them.”
However, he does not think he was born gay, either. He understands why people would think that since he has always been aware of liking guys.
“I don’t know why I have these feelings but it may have something to do with being awkward as a kid and never fitting in with other boys. That’s just one possibility.”
The real breakthrough came, however, when he put the why question aside, pursued a more open relationship with his wife and sought a different kind of help. Instead of focusing on why he had the feelings or what was wrong with him, his counselor helped him pursue living a valued life.
I began working with a counselor had lots of experience in helping people change behavior. He correctly pointed out that it's not about "being cured" from homosexual attractions, but rather, it is about how I live. That major paradigm shift has been so helpful, I cannot begin to fully describe it. As we have explored issues, things have gotten better, but I still have very difficult moments. Does that mean God is unable to fix me? Hardly. What it means is that this life is difficult, and my difficulty is just different from, not worse than, the "average" next guy. That's just the way it is.
