I'm desperately trying to figure out . . .

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She is 97 today and we don't know where she is.

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.