Flying With One Parachute

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute.  How would you react?

Pessimist:  you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.

Optimist:  you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.

Procrastinater:  you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat:  you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer:  you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor:  you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive:  you sell them the parachute at top retail sales and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service:  you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Engineer:  you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist:  you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.

Mathematician:  you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.

Philosopher:  you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major:  you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Comparative Literature:  your read the parachute instructions in all four languages.