You Really Are A Bad Cook If...

- The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire

- Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

- You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts your silverware.

- Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.

- The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.

- Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.

- You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat- and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but by gosh, it even tastes better!

- You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.

- Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.

- The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.

- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat and brings back a doggie bag for YOU!

- Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk at Costco and Sams Club where you are on a first name basis as soon as you walk through their doors.

- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

- Your microwave display reads "TILT!"

- Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.

- You've used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano, and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.

- Your family prays AFTER they eat!